The Host
by StoryLover345
Summary: Wanda is crushed when she discovers Ian is gone forever. But when a miracle enters her life, a small piece of her beloved, she's suddenly faced with more emotions than ever before. Pain, joy, and choices rule with higher stakes than ever before.
1. The Funeral

I stand still, trying to keep myself from falling apart. Logically I knows I should be under an umbrella, that I should pull myself out from under the downpour, but to the disbelief of my friends I can't feel it anymore.

Even as I see the droplets coming from the sky in buckets, the cold no longer affects me. The droplets no longer stir a reaction from my skin. The only thing able to pull a jump, a start from me is deep within the ground.

My beloved, my Ian is now gone forever. My head falls forward, a fresh wave of tears hitting me with staggering force. I collapse forward, the anguish finally tearing free. The crowd turns as my screams fill the air, agony tearing at every shattered heart attending the solemn ceremony.

"We were supposed to have time." I sobs, the force taking my breath away in a fist of iron. "You promised me time!"

"Wanda." A hand touches my shoulder, but I am far from feeling the warmth. I pushed them all away at first, let no one touch me, but now I can't manage a fight and as fast as my outburst came it's fading, leaving behind nothing but an empty shell. "We gotta go."

I stands slowly, this new frail body stumbling slightly. A strong hand catches my arm, calloused finger pads brushing over her now soaked, yet bare, skin. My lifts her head slowly, gazing into the familiar face of Melanie Stryder, a face I once wore. I pull away and suddenly that comforting hand is on my shoulder once again.

When I look up I sees someone who's been a great comfort, none other than the second O'Shea, Kyle. He seems to be the only one to understand, though he can't reach the depth of my pain. Ian was my soul, my true other half. Now I have nothing but a few of his belongings.

Somehow, the tears have stopped. At first it was a never ending stream, days spent sobbing alone in the darkness. Soon it all stopped and it was then that I knew, I had died along with my love. Ian holds a part of me with him, a very vital piece of my being. Back there, that moment of pain, was the first in a long time. The first amount of feeling to touch my chest, my mind. After having so many wild emotions before, ones I couldn't understand, it scares me to feel none. But as hard as I try, I can manage nothing but emptiness.

Sometimes I think the darkness will take me, swallow me till there's nothing left but this body.

Sometimes I wish that would happen.

"Want food?" Kyle asks, but I can't look up. I can hear his own pain, so apparrant, but I can't even manage my usual sympathy. Before I can answer he leads me in to the main cafateria, pushing me in to a seat beside Jamie.

"You have to eat." Jared says when a moment of dead silence pasts. I don't give an answer. I know they're trying to help, but I'm far past any form of help. I'm to gone, to lost, and to alone. When Kyle returns he has two loaded plates and cups balanced between his arms. He sets them in front of me before sitting across from me. We gaze at each other, but eventually my eyes fall. As I turn my attention to my plate the smell hits me, cheese something. Before I can react the nasea hits, my stomach twisting and lurching violently. I turn, my chair tumbling over and breaking through the quiet.

Melanie is up in seconds, her powerful muscles carrying her towards me with Jared close behind. She pulls me towards the bathroom but half way there my body shows its impatience as I double over and the few things in my stomach come rushing violently up.

"Are you alright? What was it?" Melanie asks when my shuddering finally stops, my ragged breathing and the smell of bile filling the thick air.

"Ch...cheese." I supply, caving brokenly into her arms. I wish I could handle it on my own, but I'm not strong enough. I want someone else to hold my pain, selfish as it may be.

"The smell?" Melanie's face is suddenly filling with horror, my gut twisting as she exchanges a loaded look with Jared. I can't understand what's wrong. I've been getting sick for awhile now, maybe a month. Just thinking of Ian, of how he passed...my breath comes in sharply. It hurts to even poke the memory much less draw it forward. That memory is what brings the vile taste of my stomach to the back of my throat.

"Let's take her to Doc." Jared urges, grabbing my free arm to support my jelly like legs. I don't protest, my energy seems to be leaking from my body each minute. These emotions, I understand why my people don't have them.

I don't like them.

"Wanda, Melanie, Jared." Doc says in a low, gravely voice. His eyes are red, swollen from crying. Jeb is in a chair beside him, his leather face worn unbelievably further. "What is it? Something wrong?"

"Will you just look at Wanda? The...smell...of some cheese made her sick." Melanie says the words slowly, but my brain is far to foggy to bring forth an explanation of the enunciations.

"Ah." Doc reaches for me, gently leading me to sit on one of the many cots. My body limply moves the directions he urges, my soaked clothes still sticking to my skin. He has me take a urine test, something I can't begin to comprehend.

Eventually, it's all over and we're sitting together, something white in Doc's hand as he emerges from the back. His face is even more broken then before as he looks at all the others.

Finally his eyes land on me.

"Wanda," Doc says slowly, turning to strip in his hand. There's a small green, slightly blurry, _yes_ at the edge. I shake my head, looking up at him. "Wanda, your pregnant." It's a new feeling this one, a new stab that burns through my head all the way down to my toes.

"I...I..." My throat catches and the tears begin to slip free, salty paths melting with the rain water already coating my skin.

"Are you sure?" Melanie bites in, emotions I can't read flickering a second a time across her wide open eyes.

"I'm guessing eight to nine weeks. Congratulations, Wanda." His voice isn't as happy as you'd expect, but that doesn't matter. A rush of joy is spilling into me, a small, small hope.

"I have Ian with me?" I whisper, the tears spilling faster down my cheeks as I let out a sobbing laugh. "A part of him is inside of me?"

"Well, yes, Wanda. You have your Ian." Melanie's eyes are filling with tears and for the first time I see her cry, diamond like streaks coating her tan face. I lift my shirt slightly, staring down at belly button. Now that I'm looking, there is just a small bump.

For the first time since that dark day four weeks ago, I feel better. I may not be happy yet and I may not be healed, but now I have something to hold on for. I have my sun to push away the darkness.

"I'll protect you." I whisper, pressing my hands against my skin like somehow the baby will feel me, hear me. "And I'll tell you all about your Daddy, how wonderful he was. I..." I trail off, but as the phrase cuts off determination rages through my chest. "I love you, baby."

Because, I do love him or her. It's a wonderful feeling, sweeping through me and bringing back feeling for just a moment. But that moment is all I need to know I can heal. I will always have the scar where my heart split, but now it can close. I can heal.

"Let me tell you about some things you'll need to be doing now that your with child." Doc urges and I look up, staring at the very people who feel such a strong love for me. Ian is gone, but maybe I'm not as alone as I thought.

It still hurts, so horribly, but they will help me through. They will help me raise my child.


	2. The Story

It's been a few months now, about two if I recall. Doc thinks I'm about four and a half months along, with the little medicine supplies we have it's hard to tell aside from the size of my belly. Said belly has gotten extremely large, it's odd having such a big bump growing from me.

While I'm grateful for the child within me, I feel even more useless than before. When I first got this body, with its lack of muscle, I could do very little but no I can do absolutely nothing. All I do is take and I have nothing left to give. Though, Kyle supplied an idea. He said I should start up stories at lunch, only this time tell them about Ian. At first I declined, even thinking of him brought tears to my eyes, how could I speak of my beloved? But now, I think that it would be good. Loved ones live on through the memories of them and most people down here remember him differently than he was.

"I'm surprised you haven't exploded." Jamie's voice is a pleasant distraction from my thoughts and I look up at him, attempting to stand. "Here." He grasps my hand, setting his feet before giving a single tug and pulling me easily to my own feet.

"Thank you." I say kindly, resting my hands on my stomach as I feel a jerk. I look down in shock, palms pressing tighter to my skin. It comes again. This time I lift my shirt, revealing the full mass of my belly.

"What is it? Something wrong?" Jamie asks, worried instincts kicking in. I look up at him, a watery smile lifting my lips.

"I think...he's kicking." Jamie's eyes widen for a moment before he smiles, extending one hand. I grasp his wrist, pressing it just above my belly button where I felt it before. A few seconds later I feel it again, that subtle push. Jamie laughs, looking up at me with the same wonder filled face.

"That's so cool!" He cries, laughing once. I nod, patting my stomach.

"I feel you, honey." I murmur, voice gentle. "I feel you." My eyes begin to fill with tears and one slips down my cheek, a single path to show my pain. Even after these weeks, months, it hurts. Every day it hurts. Each moment I find, each time something changes I wish nothing more than to have Ian here with me, beside me. Jamie's hand slips into mine, grasping my fingers tightly.

"Are you sure your ready?" He whispers, refering to my story session. I nod, looking up at him before beginning my way to the cafeteria. I believe Kyle is right. I should talk about Ian, try to remember the good. If I have those memories in my mind, my love will be closer to me and I won't be able to forget him.

"They deserve to know about Ian. All of them. He deserves to be remembered the way he was." I say, my voice strong for once. Jamie nods, but his hand doesn't leave mine even as we enter the dining hall. Conversations slowly die down as we both walk to the front. I sit slowly, Jamie sliding in beside me as faces gaze expectantly forward.

I want to begin with something easy, a day we were working here. But even as I try, the memories slip away from me. So I say the first thing to come to my mind, a more painful memory. Before I can stop them the words are coming out, showing my friends a more private look in to my life.

But I don't feel bad about telling this small secret because I love these people, all of them.

"Most," I clear my throat, the word cracking. "Most of you knew Ian as the tough guy, the jokester." A murmur of agreement passes through the crowd. "I knew him as that to, but I also knew how sweet he could be. Kind and loving." Tears well in my eyes and I draw in a breath, closing my eyes to continue. "I guess my favorite memory was when we needed another medicine run. It was like the time I went with Jared, only Ian wouldn't let me truly harm myself like we needed." Slowly I began to fall back in to the memory, the moment.

"We sat there for ages simply arguing, me trying to explain how he couldn't go in, it would ruin the whole plan. Eventually he agreed to let me make a small cut on my head, supposedly that would look more serious without actually being serious. Only, when I tried to make the cut he blocked my head with his hand declaring, 'It was illegal to harm personal property and at that moment, for one hour I was his.' Of course, we ended up leaving. Only, we couldn't go back to the hotel, a whole battle with Jared and Melanie would begin." I opened my eyes, gazing out as a new tear fell down my cheek.

"So he took me to the park. It was the same park we'd seen once before where a host was with a human child, but this time it was empty. We spent all night there, laughing and joking. Just before we left, Ian started screaming." The silence from the audience grew dephening.

"I became terrified and turned only to see a small animal peeking out of the structure, black eyes blinking up at me from a black face. A cat I think it was. Ian couldn't believe it, he turned red and went silent the whole night. Until we were almost at the hotel. He stopped me, saying he wanted to show me something and then he pointed at the moon. At first I didn't understand, until I turned back to him to ask." I laughed lightly, the tears coming faster.

"He had a bouqet of roses, all white, in one hand. I found out later he'd hid them in a bush, but they were perfect. He said they reminded him of me, white perfection." My throat finally closed and I couldn't finish the story, the tears pouring down my face. Never again would I hear those words.

Never.

Again.


	3. The Truth Is Revealed

I move from the table, stumbling a couple steps before Jamie and Melanie appear on either side of me.

"I-I-I'm so-sor-sorry." I stutter brokenly, tears clouding my vision. The room has lapsed in to silence as strong, calloused hands lead me across the room. I can't manage to track where we're going, the past is far to strong.

For awhile my pain had tilted towards numbness, I'd been able to work, but now, now the wound was torn violently open. All I can feel is the loss, the agony of overhwhelming loneliness. All I want is to see him, just for another moment. I didn't get the normal mourning privalage.

I got an empty box with Ian's things buried in the ground.

"Wanda?" I look up at Melanie, gazing emptily up at her. Behind her Jeb and Jared pull the big door closed, leaving us all alone within the silence of Ian's old room. Melanie opens her mouth again but after a moment she lets it close, left with nothing to say. I wouldn't have any answer.

"Wanda, hun." I tilt my head up further, watching s Jeb crouches in front of me and grasps my hands. "I know it's hard, I understand, but we have to know. I haven't let the guys pressure you about it because of your mourning, but it's time. What happened the day Ian died?" My breath comes in sharply, chest finally shattering.

I can feel it. I can feel every single line where my heart is breaking, hitting my chest with a force I've never known. It's crippling.

"He...he didn't die." I manage, closing my eyes tightly.

"What?" I look up sharply as Kyle appears, a glass of water in his hand with the door held open a crack big enough for him to slip through. My hands wrap together in my lap, fresh tears spilling over my eyes as Kyle moves towards us.

"Wanda, what do you mean?" Jared cuts in and I look away from all of them, staring down at my frail hands.

"We...we were going in to an old building. I thought I saw something move and it looked like...like a puppy. I thought Jamie would like it and I wanted to go check." My eyes close and slowly I fall in to the past, the memory wrapping around me as if I were back in the very moment.

*****

_"What?" Ian turns to me, face worried as I move to try to see through the window. It moves again, just a flash but slow enough for me to tell it's a puppy. _

_"Didn't you see it?" I question, smiling up at him. "Through that window." I point and Ian looks before shaking his head. _

_"No, honey, sorry. We've got to go though, we only have an hour to get this stuff back to Jared and the car." Ian moves his shoulders to indicate three back packs. One is mine but I was only able ot carry it for about a block before Ian took it from me. _

_"Please?" I beg once, looking up at him. Ian stands still for a moment, debating, before finally grumbling and shaking his head. _

_"The things I do for you." He mutters, stashing the bags under a bush off to the side. He glances to the side, judging the sunset before leading me in to the building. It's big, probably a warehouse, and old. It's one they're planning on rebuilding and on our path from the hospital. _

_"Thank you!" I cry, smiling brilliantly. Ian grasps my hand, his fingers completely wrapping around mine. _

_"Just one promise." I turn, gazing up into his eyes. "You have to do _exactly _what I say. I don't want you getting hurt, alright?" I nod. "Good. Let's go then." Ian goes in first, breaking the rusted lock with a single, perfectly delivered kick. He flashed back a grin and I roll my eyes, smiling warmly back at him as we make our way in to the darkness. _

_A few streaks of light stream in through holes, casting lines across the dusty floor. We continue in silence, stretching back through the building down endless hallways.  
_

_"Where did you see it?" Ian whispers, the eery room getting to him as much as it gets to me. _

_"Over––" Ian covers my mouth, freezing as a bang sounds down stairs. Voices echo, feet pounding across the ancient concrete floors. _

_"Here." Ian hisses, grabbing a nearly invisible handle on the floor. He wrenches it up, a small trap room appearing. _

_"There's not enough room." I gasp back, scanning the room. Ian grabs me, lifting me up and dropping me down in to the small room. "Ian!" I cry quietly, trying to get back out as Ian stands on top of the door. I hit the wood, freezing as feet suddenly sound at the door. _

_"You there!" A voice calls briskly, Ian's snarl answering. "Don't move. We don't want to hurt you." I press my face to the wood, watching through a crack as man after man goes at Ian. He manages to throw the first four off before a wave of bodies hit Ian and he's forced to the ground. For a moment I'm gazing at him, a finger brushing his cheek, before he grunts and his eyes begin to close. _

_"I...I love...you." He whispers before his eyes fall closed and the men all grab a limb, dragging my beloved further and further away till I'm left with nothing but the shock and silence._

*****

"That's not where I found you." Jared says and I look up, eyes broken.

"I could have helped. I could have saved him!" I scream, lurching to my feet. "But you chose this body! You gave me someone that could do _nothing!" _Melanie grabs me, arms holding my shoulders tightly.

"It's my fault he's dead." I sob, collapsing in to her embrace. "It's all my fault."

"No, Wanda, no." Melanie whispers fiercely, holding me tightly. "You can never say that. You didn't do this."

"Jared?" Jeb calls suddenly, but Melanie's hair blocks my view of him. "What was it you said?"

"That's not where I found her?" Jared repeated questioningly. When I pulled away from Melanie's shoulder I finally saw Jared as his face filled with understanding. "I found her behind a building. In the city." Eyes fell on me and I clutched Melanie tighter.

"How did he find you so far from the warehouse?" Jeb gazed at me evenly, voice neutral with no accusations.

"I broke out of where Ian left me so I went after them. I couldn't let them just take him, I couldn't lose him." I closed my eyes again it was almost as if taking in the world around me while thinking back to the day that changed my life was throwing my brain in to overdrive.

"And?" Kyle says sharply, eyes suddenly flashing.

"And they took him inside a building. When you go in to that building as a human, you don't come out. There was nothing I could have done. Nothing."

"What happens there?" Kyle urges, eyes boring in to mine. I turn away, my eyes accidently meeting Melanie's. The horror slowly melts in to her features, eyes widening. "What happens there?!"

"That's where I first woke up." I say slowly, gazing at him dejectedly. "Inside of Melanie."


	4. Love Returns

"GUYS!" Melanie screams just after Jeb slips out, her eyes shredding the two left standing in a tight circle. It's been ages and at first they were whispering quietly before they hit a talking level and finally, for the past hour or so, they've been screaming. Half the time I couldn't understand a word they were saying much less follow the conversation. Though, I did manage to catch the over all topic of the argument.

Ian.

Kyle wants to go out and find his brother, send me to wonder the streets till he pops up then I can bring him here and we can see if Ian is still alive, if he made it through being a host. Jared on the other hand wants us to stay, to let it play out. He thinks I should move on, that it will help the wound heal better if I leave if as a clean break.

Either way, the two can't even begin to fathom why Melanie would suddenly start screaming at them, she's been sitting and comforting me the whole time. So, Jared and Kyle turn towards Melanie, both confused.

"Pregnant woman who is depressed and tired. Can you please leave so she can rest?" Melanie wraps an arm around my shoulders, the action strong and soothing.

"We don't have _time _for rest right now! My brother is out there with THEM!" Kyle roars, face laced with fury. Jared catches Kyle's arms, holding him back. Slowly Kyle's face begins to relax. "Wanda...Wanda I'm sorry." Kyle whispers, eyes worried, but it's too late. For that split second, that single moment, I saw the same hatred in his eyes as when he tried to kill me.

I push past them all, rushing in to the hallway and running towards the cafeteria. Kyle eyes had told the same tale I'd been weaving inside my own mind, all based on the fact that Ian was gone because of me.

_All_ because of me.

"Wanda, no." Jeb appears, pushing out from the crowd and trying to usher me back.

"What is it?" I ask, voice edged with panic. Suddenly I remember Doc's experiments, my own people scattered across the walls. My horror at both Doc and––even worse––Ian. "Jeb what's going on?"

"Nothing you need to see, honey." Jeb urges, leading me back. My shoulders relax and his grip lossens before I dart forward, his hands just barely missing my frail body. I squeeze through the crowd and before people notice it's me, they let me through to the front. Just as I reach the inside of the circle, my entire world collapses around me.

"Ian?" I gasp, staring at the familiar face, the perfect features. Oh how I've begged and pleaded for it, just this one moment. To have him back, to hold him! I knew he'd escape! I knew my Ian would make it!

Then a flashlight shines across his face and suddenly my favorite eyes are shinning back at me, the tale tell feature of a host body. Not my Ian. Just another being, another creature within the body of the one I love.

"Wan...da." He says slowly as if testing the name then he looks up and smiles. "Wanda." Hands grasp his arms, tightening them behind him. But as I go o turn away, I see something that stops me. Just the barest expression, the barest facial twitch, that I know, without a doubt, is none other than Ian.

"Stop!" I move forward, tears welling in my eyes. Could it be? Is there a chance to save him? Unfamiliar eyes gaze back at me, nothing but a mask of the love they used to show. "What is your name?"

"Shadow." He answers after a moment of concentration, peeking up at me through his––Ian's––lashes.

"Oh my." Melanie's voice is suddenly behind her and I glance back to see my small family, Jared, Melanie, and Jamie before my head swings back towards Ian/Shadow. I haven't the faintest idea what to call them.

"Shadow," I ask gently, resting a hand on his shoulder before the pain rages in my heart and I have to pull back. "is it hard to control him? Do you hear other thoughts? You must tell me, please."

"Wanda," This time the name doesn't sound foreign, but beautiful and so painstakingly familiar. Then he's shaking his head, eyes scrunching up.

"Yes. This body, it's stronger than any other I've tried. I thought it would be fun to try someone older but he's proven to be...difficult. He gets through some times and...talks." Shadow sounds confused, almost as if he can't believe his own words.

"Doc!" I call, looking past Ian's face. The man I'm searching for appears after some struggle with the crowd, face drawn tightly, skeptical. "Can you perform your procedure?" Slowly joy is spilling in to my heart, overwhelming my mind. I may get him back, I may have my Ian!

"Wanda...your run was for medicine." Doc begins slowly, eyes filling with regret. "I have nothing left but the basics. I can't perform any form of surgery. I'm sorry." Just as quickly as the elation came it vanishes, crushed within my already tattered chest. Then they begin to pull Ian away, his usually strong features breaking in to panic.

"No!" I cut in, once again stopping them. "Go...go put him in my room, leave a guard if you must but he at least deserves some peace. This isn't his fault." For a moment silence falls across the hall then they obey my orders, moving through the crowd in the opposite direction and as they pass, Ian/Shadow speaks.

"Thank you..." Only this time, it's a blend of the two and for the first time in months I have a thin thread of hope I can grasp. In my darkest hour I have found my light and he comes in a tall, loved man with a wired nerve system. But even with these drawbacks, I will find a way. I will make it because Ian is still fighting, still kicking and screaming even within this mind and body confinement. He can be saved, rescued. He can be mine again, forever.

I WILL get my Ian back even if it kills me because now, I have a _chance._


	5. Meeting Shadow

"Wanda––" Melanie begins, reaching for me.

"No." I hold my hand up, voice strong and sure for the first time in months. "I want to speak with Shadow alone."

"I'm going with you." Kyle cuts in, walking forward and stopping beside me outside of my room. I gaze up at him for a moment, searching the eyes that have grown so familiar before shaking my head.

"I want to have a few minutes with him. Please." I whisper, the words coming out slow to prevent my voice from cracking. I can't decide if having him back like this is healing me or bringing more pain. It hurts so bad to know he's there, but he's not alone.

"Clear out guys." Jeb grunts, moving from the small crowd that has managed to gather. "That's an order." Grumbles answer, but slowly the crowd begins to back off, including Kyle. "Go get 'em hun." Jeb says warmly, kissing my forehead as he pulls the door aside for me. I gaze in, seeing Ian's face staring back at me.

"Thank you." I breath to Jeb before my friend lets the door fall closed and I'm left with Ian, with Shadow. "Ian?" I ask quietly and for a moment the man before me sits still, face contorted in concentration. Then it splits in to complete relief, nothing but utter joy.

"Wanda!" I stumble forward, collapsing in to his arms. For a moment Ian holding me and it's just us, and my little boy of course. No one has told me the sex, but I know it's a boy. I'm positive of it. "What?" Ian looks down, eyes peeking up at me with his silent question.

"He-he's yours." I whisper, a tear spilling down my cheek. "Four and a half weeks." I lift my shirt and Ian gently lays his hands across my stomach, rough and familiar callouses brushing across my skin.

"I'm a dad?" Ian breathes, lifting his eyes to mine again and with that look, I'm breathless. I couldn't begin to describe the joy, the complete and utter elation he throws across. "We're a family, Wanda." Ian says against my skin as if the words are helping to make it final, concrete. His hands fall to my hips, forehead pressing against my belly button as he kisses my stomach. Suddenly the baby begins to move, each powerful kick hitting Ian who only laughs.

"He's like you." I murmur, holding Ian's face as tears stream down my face. "So strong." And Ian is strong. Strong because he's here, speaking to me and holding me. He's back, even after he was dragged away. He came back for me, for our child, for everyone here. He fought and he returned to me. It's enough to save my shattered heart, to lift my sorrow.

"This is amazing." The voice is suddenly new, younger and higher yet somehow the same. "So interesting, so different from our kind." When he looks up now, the eyes are bright and young. The eyes are not Ian's. I pull back with a jerk, my shirt instantly sliding back over my stomach and leaving him on his knees.

"You're not Ian anymore." I say, stating the obvious to gain back the ground that was just swept from under my feet.

"I'm sorry." Shadow says slowly. "I don't mean...it's...he can't stay forever." He attempts, trying to ease the destruction on my face. "But I'm not him and he's all you want." Shadow moves from his knees, standing with only a bare stumble.

A stumble Ian would never show.

I can't resist this small comparison, this difference. It reminds me of my time with Melanie. No matter how bound or how exactly similiar the look, these are two very separate beings. So very different but so alike that it hurts.

"It's called sorrow." I say after a minute of silence, watching his face shift from sadness to confusion.

"I don't like it." Shadow answers, face hardening.

"That's anger." I smile softly, looking up at him.

"What are these?" He questions, face befuddled.

"They are called emotions. They belong to the humans, so different from any other species. Especially love." My voice dips lower and Shadow nods once, smiling weakly.

"Like Ian. He loves you." As Shadow speaks I can see it, that sadness and guilt brewing in Ian's familiar eyes. Because this is how I was with Melanie, I gained one of her more powerful emotions. I gained Melanie's love for Jared and now, Shadow may be gaining Ian's love for me which is not a story with a happy ending.

"I have to go." I say, walking backwards towards the door. Ian/Shadow moves to step after me and I shake my head out. "No, you stay here. Ian's brother wants to talk with you. I just...I'll go get him." I finally improvise forcing my body out of the small crack at the door. I almost smile when I see Kyle so close. Almost.

"Well?" Kyle cuts in instantly, eyes eager.

"Ian is still there." I laugh, crying once again.

"Then why are you crying?" Melanie moves forward and I smile, the tears spilling over my lips as Kyle slips in to my room. It's time for him to see his brother...and Shadow. Shadow, the sweet and innocent being who only came to this planet for peace, for a host and now faces so much more. Shadow who may love me. Shadow who I understand. Shadow who I suddenly have a deep, powerful need to protect.

"Because so is Shadow." I breath finally, the words holding so much more.


	6. Mood Swings

"Wanda..." Melanie wraps her arms around my shoulders, leading me towards the cafeteria. I laugh weakly, this room is the reason for my whole mess. Maybe if I had listened to Jeb, turned away and let my curiosity fall. I wouldn't have seen Ian...or Shadow.

There it is again! Shadow! It seems within those two minutes I spent with him, he managed to work his way in to my thoughts. I just want my Ian back, but can I really kick a soul away? Can I push one of my own out? I understand what Melanie, Jared, Jamie, Ian, and all of them did with me––Melanie needed her body back––but still, this body isn't my first choice. It's...harder to work with.

Can I wrench an innocent soul from what he's come to know?

"Wanda! Melanie!" I lift my head slowly, gazing forward till finally, I meet the eyes of Jamie. Sweet Jamie. _It's Jamie's fault you went in that building...the puppy was for him..._The second the thought crosses my mind I want to puke. How could I ever think anything like that of Jamie? Jamie loves me and he loved Ian.

No. _Loves _Ian.

"Mel..." I slip free of her grasp, managing to pull away without stumbling and believe me, that is a very hard task when your belly is the size of a country.

"Wanda?" Melanie and Jamie's voices ring in unison, a sound I'm not quite used to. I give them a shaky smile, reassurance. Neither of them buy it and the frown line sin their foreheads deepen, their faces even more worried.

Great.

"I just...I need a walk." I stammer, holding my stomach, one hand on the top and one on the bottom. I guess it's my comfort, my way of protecting my child. Silly I guess, but after losing Ian I can't shake the urge to protect everyone that I do have.

"I'll come with you." Melanie offers, but as she moved forward I take a small step back.

"Please...alone...please." I beg, at a loss for words at this point. For a moment I think Melanie and Jamie will protest, see through my story. But––wonderfully––they both nod, though their faces remain grim. Melanie and Jamie exchange glances, a look loaded with some silent conversation I've yet to understand.

"Ok. Just call if you need me, alright?" Melanie pulls me in to a sudden hug, her arms tight around me. "Please, don't do anything stupid." She whispers, pulling back to gaze at me with a steel gaze I've grown used to.

"I'll be back." I say instead of agreeing, turning and moving towards the exit across the room. Well, I don't actually _walk _it's more of a slightly fast waddle. I feel like a duck.

"Hey, Wanda!" A voice calls, but I can feel the tears coming. This time it's not just the tears, I'm near the edge––my final breaking point––and when I hit it, I don't know how bad it will be. For the past few months, I haven't broken down. There have been a couple tears when I'm alone, but it's only been the past times over the last few days and now I know my snapping point is near.

Like Ian used to say: you can't hold everything in forever.

I follow a familiar path, one I've taken to only a couple times since Ian...passed. It's the same place they first brought me, my old sanctuary, cramped as it was. It's the storage room,th same place I was first kept when I arrived at The Caves.

It was also the first place I met Ian.

Slowly I sink to the ground, the stone cool beneath my touch. The second my legs are gone from beneath me, the dam breaks. Tears are suddenly pouring down my face as agony washes throughout my body, a physical pain I wasn't capable of managing before losing Ian.

It's like someone is taking a hammer and slamming it again my ribs, shattering them and continuing hitting me. Then there's my heart, shattering beneath my very skin. I almost expect to look down and see blood bursting from my chest and a pulpy mess leering up at me. Alas, nothing awaits my gaze. There is simply the lost memories of my love and the pain.

I would give anything to get him back.

Anything.

If only I had done something _more!_ Ran faster, gone inside, stopped them as they took him. But I did nothing. I sat and I waited. I could have saved him! I could have made a difference! But I didn't.

Should've. Could've. Would've. A phrase that seems to haunt my every moment, consume my conscious and unconscious thoughts. It's not always the phrase its self––though it has been repeated throughout my mind––but the general idea. The past is something I've grown to hate. The fact that once something has happened you can't change it, simply drive me to no end! Why can't things me fixable, changeable?

Why is it that we must lose those we love?!

"Because we couldn't treasure those we have." I look up sharply, aware that my breathing as grown eratic. It comes in pants now, heavy sobs that wrack my body and make my chest feel as though my very ribs are being pulled together to the point of cracking.

"K-K-Ky-Kyle." I managed, my sobs forcing my words in to violent stutters. Slowly he makes his way towards me, leaning back against the wall before sinking to the ground like I did before. Gently he wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me against his side. It's so different from the Kyle I first met. He's actually very kind, dependable.

"Shh." I clutch his shirt tightly, my tears already soaking through the fabric. "Just cry." Kyle murmurs and suddenly the sobs are coming in bursts, worse than before. My nose is stuffy by the time I'm done. My eyes are swollen and it's difficult to breath, but for the first time...I feel...better.

"There, isn't that better?" Kyle chuckles, offering me a towel. I take it gratefully, wiping my eyes then blowing my nose and crinkling it in a ball. I offer it back to him and Kyle raises one eye brow. "Nope. That's yours now." A moment later he bursts out laughing and I stare at him, panic growing in my chest.

"What?" I cry, nearing hysterics again.

"No, no, no. It's fine." Kyle manages, giving me a grin. "It's just a cliche, an old scene from a bunch of movies. The girl cries, a guy gives her his tissue, she uses it and tries to give it back, and he says 'No that's yours now'." Slowly I begin to smile and Kyle nods, his smile lowering. "There, a smile."

"What did he say to you?" I ask after a few seconds of silence and Kyle quiets.

"Shadow?" Kyle clears. I nod. "Just that he knew me and...he was sorry."

"He's nice." I add, my voice thick. Kyle looks over at me, a question brewing in his eyes. "He...he tried to help Ian out. Told me what Ian was feeling."

"Are you in love with him or something?" Kyle snapped, tone suddenly biting before he opened his mouth to apologize. I cut him off.

"No, I can just relate. I couldn't handle Melanie's emotions at first and he is doing ok at managing Ian's. Though, I don't think Ian has shown a true burst of emotions yet. When he does...well...I don't think Shadow will make it."

"Who?" Kyle's gaze was getting more and more confused.

"That's the soul inside Ian. Shadow."

"You know its name?"

"_His_ name." I correct, anger suddenly beginning to grow in my chest.

"Why does it matter?"

"If he's an 'it' then so am I. Thanks." I snap, attempting to stand. Kyle pulls me up and I slap his hand away, hobbling down the hallway back towards the cafeteria. Moodily I scrub my tears away, hoping the puffy redness will fade, I don't want to worry Melanie or Jamie.

"Wanda, you know I didn't mean it that way." He calls, jogging after me.

"Didn't you?" I whisper, spinning to face him and stumbling. Automatically he catches my arm to keep me from falling. I wrench free from his grip. "Just go figure out whatever they're gonna do. I have lunch to eat." I grumble, turning away and heading off towards the cafeteria.

Halfway there I realize that it's my fault, the whole fight. When are these hormones ever going to end?!

"Hey, Wanda!" I look up, smiling as Jamie comes barreling towards me, flinging his arms around my shoulders. "Are you better?"

"Yes." I answer, laughing. Aparantly, my mood swings aren't going to be changing any time soon. And just around the time that Ian/Shadow comes back. Isn't that just absolutely dandy? I thought so too.

**A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't updated for so long, I hate it when that happens to me. Hope you all enjoyed:) **

**Reviews are better than a pill to cure mood swings for pregnant women...**


	7. Late Night Visit

I gasp, sitting up violently. My breathing is heavy, eyes adjusted to the darkness. I don't see anything threatening or noise causing, nothing that would wake me up. Then I feel it. A painful jab, hitting my stomach like the feeling of a bubble growing just beneath my skin.

I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, jerking slightly as cold pierces my skin. With silent steps I make my way out of Ian's room and down the hallway. There's only one person who I would trust answers from about this and that would be Doc. So, that's where I'm headed. The very room that has held the splattered remains of my kin and the dying body of my friend. Now, it shall hold the truths about...about my child.

"Any presence?" Doc's voice comes as a whisper as I near the door and instantly I freeze.

"Y-yes." Shadow's voice stammers out, so different from my Ian yet still so much the same.

"How strong?" I still even further at Jeb's voice, every muscle tightened. Until I feel that jab again, a bit more painful this time. The movement sends me lurching forward, stumbling in to Jeb's office. Jared and Kyle stand on either side of Shadow––no, _Ian––_with Jeb and Doc in front. Every head turns to me and I wrap my arms around my stomach, one above and one below.

"Wanda?" Doc asks slowly, a heavy silence filling the air. Kyle turns his head away. Jeb remains silent. Jared...Jared steps towards me.

"You alright?" I nod then shake my head before finally attempting a shaky, scattered explanation.

"My stom..." I clear my throat once, nervous under the boring eyes. "My stomach it–it moved. I don't know what happened. It hurt. What if...what if something's _wrong _with him?"

"Where did you feel it?" Doc ask, dropping a clip board and hurrying over to me while holding a hand out to the others.

"Here." I grab his hand, setting it just above my belly button. For a moment there's silence and then the quick push comes again, just a fraction weaker. Doc chuckles, his worried expression becoming amused and relieved. "What?" I ask, staring at him. "What is it?"

"A kick. It just means the baby is moving. Alive." Doc explained, pulling his hand back. I smile, a single tear slipping down my cheek.

"That's you? So much stronger than last time." Another kick. "I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much and...and you'll be safe when you grow up. I promise." I murmur, looking up with a smile. It's then that I remember the others, all standing looking over at me.

"Congrats, kid." Jeb laughs, his voice splitting the silence with booming joy. "I knew before but now it's...movin'. Big stuff."

"Yeah, I'm happy for you." Jared smiled softly and I nodded as my eyes slowly meet Kyle's.

"Do you hate me?" I asked quietly, guilt building in my chest from the earlier fight. Kyle and I got along that didn't mean he had to get along with every 'parasite' in his words.

"Am I missing something?" Shadow asked weakly, looking around. Kyle shot him a furious glare and Shadow shrunk away, so odd compared to the character I usually knew in that body. Ian's body.

"No, Wanda. I don't." Kyle sighed, turning back to face me. He wasn't smiling, he never did when he had a job and I assumed he had guard duty, but his eyes were bright. Holding that slight edge of warmth that I'd learned to recognize in my time here.

"Alright." I smile at him and he shakes his head, just barely. "That's good."

"Mhmm." Kyle mumbled, not bothering with a true answer.

"So, why are you all here?" I question, looking around at them all. Doc draws my attention, scratching his head before letting out a sigh and opening his mouth to speak. Only, to be cut off by Shadow.

"He's happy." Shadow murmurs, meeting my eyes hesitantly. "About the baby. He wants me to tell you that he thought you'd be a good mother for your kind and he's glad...he's glad you get to be a mother for his."

"Oh." I say slowly. The pain is slowly slipping forward, tears burning at the back of my eyes. I love having Ian so close, close enough to talk to me, but it hurts. It hurts _so much _because I know that if I look in to his eyes I will see Shadow. If I hold him, my arms will wrap around Shadow. I can see past it, but his name suits what he is, a shadow over my beloved. It's ironic actually.

"He's only a shadow." The words slip from my lips unconsciously, just barely at hearing level.

"What?" Shadow asks, looking worriedly at me. I hate seeing that familiar face etched in to a completely different expression, worry so drastically different. I can feel the pain slamming in to my chest. It's like someone is sitting on top of me, crushing my chest till my ribs splinter and shatter the remains of my already wounded heard. And it _hurts_. Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping off my chin as small tremors shake through my limbs.

"Wanderer?" Shadow moves forward, but Kyle beats him to me.

"Wanda?" Kyle catches my shoulder, looking in to my eyes.

"I don't want to be alone!" I choke out and my strength vanishes. I sink in to his arms, the sobs tearing violently from my chest. I can't have Ian because I can't imagine shoving out Shadow. Why does love have to be so painful?

"It's alright, Wanda, shhh." Kyle soothes, rubbing my back.

"I just want a cookie and I can't even have that because Jeb doesn't trust _anyone_ doing raids right now!" I wail, clutching his shirt. "Why do you have such painful emotions?"

"Because otherwise you wouldn't have the good." I look up to see Jared, face solemn. I sniffle, snuggling closer to Kyle's chest. "But Jeb and I have been working on a plan for a raid. We're thinking about sending Sunny out."

"Really?" I ask, another sniffling making its appearance.

"Really." Jeb assures as Doc extends a tissue to me.

"Here, hun." He murmured and I wipe my eyes, another dramatic mood swing brushing away the pain. I look over to see Shadow and for a moment, Ian is there. His deep, endless eyes filled with nothing but devotion. Then it's gone and Shadow's confused expression is left behind.

"You should get some rest, come on." Kyle scoops me in to his arms, turning to the others. "I'm gonna take her back."

"Just stay with her tonight, we've got it here." Jared urges. I curl in to Kyle's arms, my stomach bulging out against his chest. He nods once before continuing out of the room and down the hallway. I close my eyes, completely at peace. It's strange, once these hands tried to strangle me and now...now their the kindest ones I know.

"Just relax, we're almost to your room." Kyle murmurs soothingly. I nod once, watching as he leads us in to my room. He gently lays me on the bed, pulling the covers up over me. For a moment he stares at me and something in his gaze is...different. He looks at me the way Ian did, how he used to.

"Kyle?" I whisper shakily.

"Oh, um, uh yeah?" He asks, shaking his head.

"Will you stay in here?" I ask. I can already feel the pain creeping forward and I don't think I can make it through the long, dark night alone.

"Yes." He walks over, sitting on a chair and pulling it closer to the bed. I move on to my side and he takes my hand. "Good?"

"Mhmm." I answer, slowly drifting off in to sleep. It's nice that I have so many people around me, supporting me. People that will stay with me all night long just because I'm scared of what will come forth when I'm now nothing will come because someone is with me.

And for now...I'm safe.


	8. Burns Living Flowers Returns

I wake up, blinking to clear the sleep from my eyes. The first thing I see is Kyle sitting in the oddest of positions. He has his back curved over the arm of the chair, one foot squished up next to him and the other dangling. One arm falls across his chest while the other hangs off the edge, knuckles just barely brushing the ground. It looks truly uncomfortable, he really is a good friend.

I'm still not the best with all the human emotions, but I guess I would call Kyle my, brother? That would seem right, wouldn't it? Not blood, of course, but he is like what Jamie is to me. After being inside Mel, Jamie became my brother too. Now, after spending so much time with him, Kyle is like my brother. He helped me hold my wounds together while Ian was gone. He told me stories about their childhood and he was the closest to understanding my pain, Ian _had_ been his brother.

Slowly I untangle my legs from the blankets, cautiously sitting up. I hold one arm behind me, bracing myself against it as my other hand grabs the edge of the mattress. I pulled myself off the mattress, creeping towards the door.

"Going somewhere?" Kyle mumbles and I look over sharply. He has one eye cracked open, gazing over at me.

"I'm not very quiet, am I?" I say slowly, smiling sheepishly. He shakes his head, chuckling as he slides off the chair and slowly stands on his feet.

"I just wake up easy these days." Kyle shrugs, groaning as he stretches his hands above his head. I hear bones crackle, his shoulders popping as he lets out a sigh. I stare at him, shuddering slightly. "Huh?" He questions, noting my gaze.

"I still don't understand how that doesn't hurt." I explain, rubbing my eyes.

"You know, I bet you're gonna grow out of all your clothes soon. I've never seen anyone get so big. _So. Fast." _Kyle stares at my stomach. "_That _is something _I_ don't understand." He grins as he uses my earlier words.

"Not funny, I won't have anything to wear." I smile, shoving his shoulder jokingly. "You shouldn't be mean to pregnant people. We're sensitive." Kyle rolls his eyes.

"I really shouldn't have taught you jokes." He mutters, moving towards the door and pushing the heavy wood to the side. Jamie's hand is poised mid air and he stares wide eyed, mouth opening in a small 'o' as red seeps across his cheeks.

"I didn't...I mean...I'll just go." He rambled, turning quickly.

"Jam_ie." _I sigh, catching his shoulder. "Kyle just walked me back from the infirmary last night and I didn't want to sleep alone."

"Infirmary?" Jamie spins around, suddenly worried. "Are you OK?" He looks down at my stomach then back at me, eyes widening as the movement repeats, faster. "Did...?" He trails off weakly. I shake my head.

"No, it's fine, he was just kicking." I smile and feel another push as if the baby himself heard me. "Here." Jamie touches my stomach gently, fingers opening. We're both silent, completely prepared. He jumps slightly as the baby kicks the center of his palm, looking up at me.

"That's awesome!" He laughs, looking back down at my stomach.

"They're not strong, but there's a lot." I explain, grinning like an idiot.

"So, what did you want?" Kyle questions curiously, standing next to me. Jamie looks up, gaze questioning before filling with understanding.

"Remember Burns?" We both nod. "Well, him and his group are finally moving in. They got the rest of their stuff and Jeb managed to scrounge up some room. We now have more people sharing, but it works. They just got here and Burns wanted to see you, said he never got the chance to really talk to you." I nod, biting my lip.

"Shadow is still fine. They have him guarded in the infirmary, but they're gonna let him walk around with a guard soon." Jamie answered, reading my mind. I smile gratefully at him and he nods.

"I should change." I turn back in to my room, turning as both boys follow. "Taking off clothes." I say slowly, not quite understanding their logic. Both nodd quickly, moving swiftly out of the room and sliding the door back in to place.

I dig through my dresser, pulling out a pair of slightly stretchy jeans and tugging them on. I groan, fighting to bring the zipper up. I lower the hem a bit down my stomach, just beneath the bulge from my little boy, and finally button them. I pull on a t-shirt, one that was once huge on my tiny frame, and shake my head. It now fits comfortably.

"Ready!" I call, shoving my foot in to a pair of boots. They were a gift from Ian. He brought them back when I stared here, that sweet smile on his lips when he finally revealed the gift. He had wrapped it in newspaper, we didn't have energy to waste on wrapping paper, but it still meant more to me than the whole world.

I smile fondly, walking to the door and running my fingers through my hair. Kyle snorts and Jeremy bumps my hip, making me stumble. I look over at him, eyes slightly shocked but amused.

"Hey to you to." I giggle, hugging him with my torso facing the other direction.

"Alright, come on. We gotta hurry." Jamie urges, pushing me forward as Kyle jogs to catch up with us.

"What about breakfast?" I question, the deep urge for waffles tearing through my stomach. Evil food cravings.

"After." Jamie chuckles, smiling innocently at me as I nod.

"That sounds fine." I agree, even as my stomach lets out a growl of protest. I don't want to make anything inconvenient for them, but my stomach really, _really_ wants food. I stay silent, looking over as Kyle moves the other way.

"Be right back!" He calls and Jamie watches him for a minute before shrugging.

"Come on, we're almost there. We're meeting them near the infirmary." Jamie quickens his pace and I stumble after him, unconsciously holding my belly as we near the infirmary. There's no one there and Jamie's expression turns confused before we hear the voices. "They must've gone in." He mumbles, seemingly not believing his own words as he pushes the door open.

"Jamie, Wanda." Jeb looks over, smiling warmly.

"Wanderer." Burns grins, holding his arms out. I walk forward, hugging him.

"Burns Living Flowers, it's so good to see you." I pull away and he looks at my stomach.

"What is this?" He questions, brow furrowing.

"I'm having a baby, a human mother." I answered, the silly grin curling my lips once again.

"Ah, your boy friend, correct?" He asks and my smile slowly vanishes.

"Shadow now." I whisper weakly, looking down. Burns looks between Shadow/Ian and me. Realization dawns and sorrow flickers across his face, eyes apologetic and sad. He hugs me again and I wrap my arms around him, squeezing back.

"What does this mean?" Shadow suddenly speaks up. "What are we going to do about this situation?"


	9. Shadow Is Staying?

I close my eyes tightly against the overwhelming pain that suddenly pours through me. I see a murky image through my wet lashes, Burns' navy blue eyes getting even sadder. His bright orange hair contrasts with the white room, freckles standing out more than usual against his pale skin.

"Well, there's always, you know." Doc says, looking over at me. My eyes squeeze tight again, my tense body obviously keeping everyone away.

"Do you know what we saw on our raid?" I finally whisper. It was our secret, but maybe it's time to tell. "With Ian and Jared." I add.

"What did you see?" Burns asks gently, voice holding that tender edge most souls possess in everything they do.

"A family." There's silence. "A mom, a dad, and a kid." It's quiet. "The kid was human." I open my eyes slowly, seeing shock register. "Your emotions, they change things. They alter us." I explain. "I can't…I can't alter Shadow again that way, he won't be able to take it."

"What are you saying?" Doc asks.

"I can't let you take Shadow out." I feel the pain now, it's piercing through me with more strength then any physical injury.

"What?" Kyle is standing in the doorway, a plate of waffles in one hand. His expression is wounded and I feel my breath catch.

"I…I can't." I manage. "N-not now, not…"

"That's my brother!" Kyle screams, the plate crashing to the floor and shattering across the stone as it spills from his quivering fingers. "You can't just leave him in there! He worked to find a body for you, how could you do this to him?"

"I…" My voice breaks off, guilt burning through me.

"You have told them our secret?" Shadow asks. I look back and his wounded expression sends a pang through my heart.

"Don't look at it!" Kyle roars, fury shaking his words. I close my eyes tightly against the anger, hands falling on to my stomach.

"There's no need to yell." Burns says gently, stepping between Kyle and I. My eyes open and I see Shadow again, changing Ian's face and warping his expressions. I look away again. My lips want to open, take back what I've said, get Ian back.

"Don't YOU try to tell me what to–" Kyle begins, his fury obviously growing before his words are suddenly cut short.

"I will not let you perform the surgery." I turn instantly towards Shadow, watching his expression melt in to one my beloved frequently wore: determination. "I will shred this body before I allow you to." His voice carries and I draw a breath in through my teeth.

"Why you little…" Kyle steps forward, teeth bared.

"No!" I step in front of him, looking up at him with begging eyes. His fury suddenly falls down, now focused on me. My eyes plead for him to listen, to understand. "That's Ian there Kyle, you can't hurt him."

"And why do you care now? You obviously don't care enough to fix it." He spat, venom lacing his words.

"Everyone just needs to quiet down." Jeb steps forward, lined face thoughtful. "Well this sure is a pickle, ain't it?"

I laugh, an insane, stressed sound that grants another level of eeriness to the silence. Jamie moves towards me, taking my hand and looking down at me with loving, worried eyes. I look towards the ground, not able to hold his gaze without my guilt making me sick.

"Now, Shadow, you gotta understand that that there body is our friend." Jeb says matter-of-factly. Shadow nods once.

"I understand, he is explaining." Shadow answers, chin held high. Kyle steps forward again, teeth bared. He opens his mouth to speak before Jeb spins on him.

"Kyle, go cool off." He orders gruffly.

"What? No!" He protests. Jeb pulls his gun forward, cocking it.

"Boy, you know I will do this if I feel a life is threatened. Now, you go run along and _cool. Off." _Kyle spins furiously away, storming out of the room with one last bitter glare at Shadow. Silence falls again and I squeeze Jamie's hand, looking over to make sure he's OK. He's looking down at me, expression just as worried as mine must be and I almost laugh, if only this were a time to laugh.

"Well..." Jeb drawls, looking around at each of us in turn. "This is just gonna have to hold till we can find something to do. Shadow, you'll have suitable sleeping arrangements of course and you'll be treated just like everyone else while we work this whole mess out." Shadow nodded, smiling a bit. "I guess that's about all we can do for now."

The instant those words leave Jeb's mouth I move towards the door, the stress lifting my heart beat. Jamie walks with me, standing a little ways away so I can move with my little waddle.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, shaking my head, only then noticing Burns on my other side.

"For what?" Jamie asks, shocked.

"For my emotions, for this." I say softly. "I haven't _meant _to make things so difficult for people with my moodswings and this...this I swear I didn't..." I sigh, stopping for a minute and holding my stomach.

"Wanda, this isn't your fault!" Jamie catches my shoulders, looking in to my eyes. "Ok?"

"But it _is." _I whisper. "I didn't want to take Shadow out, because of my guilt he decided he really wanted to stay. If I had just gone along with it he could be on another planet and we'd have Ian back. But I didn't and now they'll both end up getting hurt." My eyes prickle with tears, but none come.

"Wanda..." Burns steps forward, looking at me. "That was his choice, you understand human emotions now, they are very powerful. For all we know he has agreed with Ian on this, knowing Ian he's probably the mastermind." He smiles sweetly. "Have confidence." I nod a couple times, looking at my feet.

"I'm fine." Say, even though the emotions are still spinning through me like some vicious tornado. "Don't worry about me, you two should go check on Kyle."

"No, I'm staying with you." Jamie argues. I look up at him, managing a smile.

"Please, Jamie? Just go make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, I'm taking a nap anyways." My smile stays, eyes earnest. Slowly, I see his resolve crumble.

"Alright...but I'm going right back to your room after to check on you." He warns, already walking away.

"Of course." I answer, grin growing. He smiles back before dashing off, vanishing around the turn of the tunnel.

"You will be fine?" Burns asks, understanding my need for privacy. I nod.

"Thank you, friend." His smile is brilliant, the sun suddenly appearing on a cloudy day.

"Of course." He answers, nodding before making his way lazily after Jamie, his gait smooth and aged and so out of place after Jamie's speedy gallop. I wait till he's gone before heading back to the infirmary, straightening my back and taking one last reassuring breath.

"Hey again." I say weakly to Jeb, smiling crookedly. He nods.

"What's up Wanda?"

"Could I have I minute?" I ask quietly, meeting his eyes. He gazes back, that worry for me showing yet again. He lets out a heavy breath before finally nodding.

"Just be careful, I'll be checkin' on ya soon." I nod, showing a small smile. He smiles back, lumbering out of the room. I wait till I no longer hear him before turning to Shadow/Ian, walking towards him. He looks confused, but remains silent as I stop just in front of him. My control breaks, voice soft and weak when I finally speak.

"Ian?"

* * *

Just wanted to apologize for the typo last time, hope it didn't bug you guys too bad (:

Just wanna say thanks to my old readers and my new additions :D Hope you guys liked this one, I'll be posted again soon!


	10. Just A Kiss

Silver layered eyes gaze silently back at me and I turn away, covering my eyes with fisted hands. Even now the pain returns, fresh in its piercing stabs. I shake my head a few times, trying to push it away. I think of Ian's funeral, how I let the pain consume me, and I know that I have to be strong. I have to prove that even with this frail, beautiful body I'm still me.

I can still move forward.

"He hears you." Shadow's voice shocks me and I spin around, eyes widening as my hands fall uselessly to my sides. I can tell it's not Ian, there's a difference in the way he says his words.

It's in this moment that I finally understand what Ian was saying. He truly did love me when I was in Melanie's body, it's not the body but the way the body is used, just like he said. I can see the same face and eyes, but the expression and the gaze are different. Maybe someone who didn't know Ian well would see no difference, but me...I can tell. I can tell that my beloved is not controlling his body and as Shadow's face scrunches up...I can tell that Ian is fighting.

Before I even think about what I'm doing my hands hand moved behind his neck, pulling his lips to mine. His breath sucks sharply in before suddenly he's kissing me back and it's like every time before. Warmth spreads steadily through my body, curling my toes and igniting my blood. Hands fall to my hips, fingers curling around the point of bone as he pulls me towards him. I can feel his chest moving, breath causing his ribs to expand and contract in quick bursts of movement.

Then he's pushing me away.

I'm shaking, eyes closed and lips parted. I can hear Shadow, our heavy breathing the only noise in the silent hospital room. Slowly I lift my head, eyes sliding open to gaze at him. For a moment I can almost see Ian, but then he's gone and Shadow is staring at me, shocked.

"Ian..." When I speak his name this time, it's barely a breath, a small whimper of longing. I just want him to hold me in his arms, hug me so all I hear is his heartbeat as his warmth surrounds me. But I have to be strong, I have to face what I just did.

"What...was...?" Shadow is dazed, expression confused and eyes slightly glazed over. Suddenly, he winces, closing his eyes.

"He's talking to you isn't he?" I ask, clearing my throat.

"He's...angry." Shadow clarifies tentatively. He opens his eyes again, the inner war obvious now. "Why did you kiss me?"

"I didn't." I say strongly, crossing my arms. "I kissed him."

"There is no him!" Shadow protests. "This is _my _body now." He's expression becomes determined, eyes sharpening as he obviously pushes Ian back. "Stop talking." He groans, holding his head. "I won't listen."

"He's vocal isn't he?" I murmur softly, fondly.

"Very." Shadow answers instantly.

"What is he saying?" I push, needing to know.

"'Not all of them are like you'." Shadow begins before cracking open one eye to glance at me. "I'm quoting him." I laugh, the sound breathless.

"I know." I sigh, amazed at how clueless I must have been about human things.

"'Sometimes they think more about themse–' Hey!" Shadow's brow furrows. He's obviously talking to Shadow, a heated discussion if his expression is anything to go by. I wait silently, knowing what its like to war with your own mind like that. Finally, Shadow looks up. "I'm not like you." He says strongly, eyes strong. "I like my body, I don't want to give it up. I know you love him and he loves you, but." He stops, obviously not sure what to say next.

"You love me too." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them and instantly, silence falls.

"NO!" The outburst is instant, powerful and furious. I look up, the surprise on my face practically mirrored on Shadow's.

"I–that was–" He says frantically but I shake my head fiercely, turning around to hide my tears.

"Ian, I know, I understand." I answer quickly, masking the shaking in my voice. Jeb suddenly appears, expression wary and curious.

"I heard someone yell." He explains, looking back and forth. "Everything all right here?"

"Yes." I move past him, pace fast. "I'm done, thank you."

"Course." But his voice is already behind me, my quick walk turning in to a jog the second I'm around the corner. Feet hit the concrete in a jagged rhythm, my breath turning to desperate gasps as my new, small lungs beg for air. But still I run, avoiding the busier paths and ignoring anyone who follows me with curious eyes. Finally I reach my destination, collapsing in the abandoned room. My breath is pained, labored.

I've landed in another room filled with dark memories; the boiling underground river Kyle once tried to throw me in to. I've come here a couple times when I was feeling conflicted, the steam helps me think. I guess it's more than that, the hole Kyle and I made reminds me that kindness always prevails.

"What is kind now?" I whisper, suddenly missing Mel's encouraging voice in my mind. She always helped me talk out my problems. Yes, she often disagreed and only spoke her opinion–loudly–but she's my best friend, she'd help. I groan, dropping my head between my awkwardly lifted knees, my stomach is to big to hug them.

"How'd I know you would be here?" The voice is kind, slightly rough but warm. I look over, lifting my head as my very own Melanie Stryder plops down next to me. "You're getting big." She notes, looking down at my stomach. I nod, sniffling as a few dried tears freeze my cheeks in to place. Melanie is watching my stomach and after a moment she reached forward, gently pressing her hand to my stomach.

The baby kicks.

"Guess he knows his aunt, huh?" She smiles softly at me and a few new tears appear, covering the old salty tracks across my skin. "Don't cry." She soothes, opening her arms. I fall in to them, burying my face in the curve where her neck meets her shoulder. "Actually, you go ahead, you're pregnant, you get hormonal crying."

"That doesn't even make sense." I say, laughing lightly.

"But it made you stop didn't it?" She says with that same old mischevious, Mel edge.

"Yeah." I nod, moving so I'm just leaning on her shoulder. "It did." She smiles smugly, but as my expression remains tired she gets a worried look.

"You ok?" She murmurs after a minute, looking down at me.

"I kissed him." I blurt, closing my eyes tightly as the words hang heavily in the air. She'll be angry, I can already feel the air growing thicker, my breather harder to pull in as my chest constricts from the growing frustration–

"Who?" Melanie finally questions me.

"Ian." I answer instantly. "Well, Shadow."

"Wanda, I was inside you." Melanie sighs, leaning forward slightly to look me in the eye. "I understand everything you went through, exactly how complex it all is. You shared my brain, both of us know how all the emotions work, how the body and the person you kiss are different. Now. Who did you kiss?"

"Ian." I repeat, sighing.

"So, what's wrong? You'll get him back soon right?" Obviously no one's told her about my proclamation. Some great idea that was. I snort to myself, earning a curious look from Melanie. "Back to sarcasm again?" She teases lightly.

"You're right, you're the only one who can understand." I murmur before finally deciding to tell her the truth. "Do you remember that one soul who woke up before we could remove him? He shredded the body he was in." Melanie nods with sympathy, remembering my horror from the event. "Well, he had this look like I was some monster for telling our secret and I was, I shouldn't of done it."

"But it saves both sides." Melanie tries to calm me, but I shake my head against her shoulder, letting my eyes slip closed.

"But it was still a secret only for Souls. Well, after we say that Host family with the human child, I couldn't just remove Shadow." Melanie looks at me, realizing where this was going. "I couldn't let them take him out either. I didn't _know_ the other souls. I know Shadow."

"But you love Ian." Melanie says.

"And I have to destroy Shadow to get to him." I explain, but she still doesn't completely understand. "I can't explain. Then Shadow took to the idea, he won't let us now. He'll shred Ian's mind, I know it. It's part of us surviving." I laugh bitterly. "Never thought I would say that was a bad thing for a Soul to have. You all truly have changed me."

"Oh, honey." Melanie folds me in to her embrace, heart beat fluttering in my ear. She looks up suddenly, tensing slightly.

"I'm not mad at her, I wanted to apologize." Kyle's voice is gruff, hands stuffed in his pockets as I look up at him. He sees the tears and instantly moves forward, ignoring Melanie's glare. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it?" My words are a question, pleading.

"Alright. You at least want to rest?" Kyle easily drops it, only caring. He's still hurt about before, but he's covering it well.

"She's fine." Melanie obviously heard about Kyle screaming at me, her body is attempting to block mine from his.

"It's fine, Mel." I assure, letting Kyle pull me to my feet. "Really, I do want to rest." She nods, glaring at Kyle.

"Scream at her again and I'll kick you where the sun don't shine." She jabs him in the chest with the last few words before hugging me one last time and walking off. I gaze after her for a minute before turning to Kyle.

"Why aren't you mad anymore?"

"Because I know you love him just as much, if no more, than me and if you chose this then you chose it because it's best for my brother. You would never do anything to hurt him, I know that." My heart warms at the half compliment.

"Thank you Kyle." I say softly and the tenderness in my voice has him appraising me with confused eyes.

"Did something else happen?"

"Still don't want to talk, can I still go rest?" I ask, looking up at me.

"Course." He allows me to go first and we walk in silence back to the room. As I reach the bed, I fall on to it. Kyle runs forward but I shake one hand at him, wiggling to I finally fall on to my side. I let out a heavy breath, closing my eyes. I didn't know how tired I was till I laid down. Now the stress and emotional drain pour over me, the image of Shadow's expression on Ian's face after I kissed them tormenting me. Exhaustion finally takes lead and blackness curls forward from the edges of my mind.

"I'll be here to talk when you wake up..." Kyle's voice drifts in to my last conscious thoughts, sending me out in to the world of dreams...

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**Thank you so much for the reviews I got, they made my day (:**

Oracle moon: Glad you like my story, hope this chapter made you just as happy

Cullendaughter45: Hahaha hope I avoided Jeb's gun shooting at me ;) *peeks out from behind laptop*

talkygirl: Yes, he is. The only reason it was a shock that Shadow was staying was because of the surgery that can remove Souls, everyone assumed they would do that with Ian

barbiegirl2435: Well thank you very much (: Hope this helped with needing to know what happens ^^)

Sillla: Awww, I'm glad (: Sorry it took me awhile to get these two chapters up, I plan to update faster


	11. Just A Shadow Kiss

**So, this chapter is going to be a little different. When I started this story I was thinking of doing more then one POV, but decided I just wanted to stick to Wanda since I was making this her story. But when a little birdie *cough* speedingdemonreader *cough* suggested I do a chapter from Ian or Shadow's POV, I had to do it, the idea was just at such a perfect time. **

**This chapter is going to be an exact copy of the last chapter posted, only, it's going to be from the point of view of our favorite new Soul, Shadow. So, enjoy the special aanndd...  
**

**Happy New Year! ;)  
**

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Ian/Shadow's POV:

I sit silently, watching her. She truly is beautiful, her body angelic. She is petite, a delicate person with whisps of golden hair. Her skin is sprinkled with freckles, her cool grey eyes vanishing from my sight as she places two small fists over her eyes. The simple on her chin is visible for a moment before she'd turning away, her back facing me.

_Say something. _Ian orders, mind finally inching forward.

"He hears you." It's the first thing to come to mind, but it obviously works as she spins around. Her hands fall to her sides, dangling their lifelessly as they reveal her huge, grey eyes.

_What do I do now? _I ask, feeling my heart beat pick up as her eyes take in every detail of my face. Ian's anger tears through me, his mind pushing to seize control of the body we presently share. But I hold him back, memories of Wanda rushing forward as if I had been there to live them myself.

_But it wasn't you! _Ian screams, his anger shaking through me.

Then the unthinkable happens.

When I finally realize that Wanda is coming towards me, she's already too close to do anything. Ian's shock is as powerful as mine as her hands slip behind our neck, pulling our head towards her. The second her lips touch mine, the memories that were once nothing but a past I had never lived are suddenly alive and true. I suck my breath in sharply, head swimming as the emotions send me in to a spinning, uncontrollable free fall. Hands catch her hips, fingers curling that pointed bone that pushes in to my palm. My breath is coming faster, head swimming.

_She. Isn't. Yours! _Ian grunts and I lose control of my hands, shocked as he uses them to shove her away. I instantly manage to take control again but I can still feel him, his presence now lurking within the edge of my mind instead of just past it.

His attention is completely focused on the delicate girl before us, worried about the tremors shaking through her limbs. Her eyes are closed, lips just barely parted as the sound of her breathing mingles with ours. Shock is pushing forward through Ian's anger and it consumes both of us.

"Ian..." Wanda says softly, voice a whimper as it cuts through the silence and our thoughts. My gaze can't seem to focus, my mind working at high speed to try and make sense of what just happened.

"What...was...?" I manage and Ian's anger tears viciously through me.

_Don't you _dare _think that was for you. _He snarls.

"He's talking to you isn't he?" Wanda's voice distracts Ian for a moment and in that split second I can think.

"He's...angry." I say tentatively.

_That's an understatement. _Ian snaps.

"Why did you kiss me?" I get out, the curiosity leaking in to my voice.

"I didn't." She says strongly, crossing her arms with a determined little scowl. "I kissed him."

_Told you. _Ian snickers and the anger flares through my chest.

"There is no him!" I protest, human emotions starting to get the better of me. "This is _my _body now." My expression melts in to the same determination she possesses as the emotion swells in my chest.

_Your body? _Your _body? _Ian screams. _You can hear me! All of these memories are _mine! _You know it isn't yours! _

"Stop talking." I groan, holding my head as the screaming sends bolts of pain through my skull.

_You know I'm right! YOU KNOW IT! _He roars, venom lacing his words.

"I won't listen." I groan, clutching my head tightly against the pain.

And in that moment, I vow that I won't. I have spent my life unhappy, searching for something this loving and pure. Earth is my fourth planet, Ian my fifth Host. The very first planet I was on was the one that changed my life. On the Planet of the Bears, I found my partner. Her name was Light That Shines Through The Ice, Lux for short.

She was wonderful, sweet and kind like most Souls but with a self-sacrificing edge about her that always seemed to hold my attention. She always put herself before others, not once thinking about the consequences. But even with this selfless nature, she was shy around new people.

So, when we first met she wasn't the most open. But as time wore on, I eventually got to know her and each of us fell in love. Years later, she left the planet. I got a new Host body, thinking maybe she was still on the planet and I would spot her easier this way.

It didn't work.

So instead I changed planets, first visiting the Planet of the Bats then the Fire Planet before finally coming to Earth. When waking up, I expected to have an easy time. I assumed I would be able to search the planet for my love, find her and fix my vacant past. But instead, I woke up with a screaming human and a new girl filling my mind.

Even now, I frequently forget Lux with images of Wanda swirling through my thoughts.

I have no ill will towards Ian, I understand he is living. But I expect him to understand that this is my way of life, his body belongs to me now. If it were under different circumstances, I may consider relinquishing my hold on his mind. But with my beloved to find, I will never release him, not until I have her in my arms. And I have that right, my species has that right over this planet. It is how nature has played out, the stronger species is winning.

It's time he accepts that.

"He's vocal isn't he?" Wanda murmurs softly, voice fond as she gazes in to my eyes.

"Very." I answers instantly, slightly pained.

_And it's not going to get any better. _Ian snaps.

"What is he saying?" I push, needing to know.

_Should I tell her what you have been telling me? _I ask, considering his thoughts in this moment. I may not be willing to give up my body, but I understand the need to speak with a loved one, I have that need.

_No! _Ian cries instantly. His anger washes away, joy filling his thoughts at the idea of indirectly speaking to her. _Say..._ He trails off.

_Tell her you say say? _I ask, confused.

_No, you idiot, I was thinking. _He snaps. _Sorry. _He apologizes after a moment.

_It's alright. _I say softy, keeping my own memories away from him. _Just tell me what you want her to hear. _This time, he begins instantly.

_Not all of them are like you. Sometimes they–– _I cut him off.

"'Not all of them are like you'." I finally begin out loud before cracking open one eye to meet Wanda's eyes. "I'm quoting him." I add, just so she knows it's not me making all this up. She laughs then, the sound breathless as her eyes take on a sudden glow.

"I know." She breaths, eyes urging me to continue. So, I do.

_Not all of them are like you. _Ian repeats before continuing. _Sometimes __they think more about themselves then others. _

"'Sometimes they think more about themse–' Hey!" My brow furrows irritably.

_How could you say that? _I snap, his continuous anger having its effect on me.

_You could have any other body on this whole planet but you won't give up mine! It's just a body! _His words bite in to me and I push him back, focusing on Wanda.

"I'm not like you." I says, forcing my voice to remain strong as my eyes stay on hers. "I like this––my––body, I don't want to give it up. I know you love him and he loves you, but." I stop and it's only in this moment that I realize...

I love her.

"You love me too." The words leave Wanda's mouth and silence falls. The realization had just hit me, Ian hadn't heard the thought after I had shoved him back in my conscience. But now he knows and I feel him exploding forward.

"NO!" The outburst is instant, powerful and furious. Wanda looks sharply up at me and the shock on her face must mirror my own. Guilt etches somewhere deep inside me as I see pain building in her eyes. Ian's agony pours over me as he watches the misery building on her innocent face, knowing there's nothing else he can do in his weakened state. Especially with me holding him back.

But still, I only want to help her.

"I–that was–" I say frantically, not knowing how to ease her pain. She shakes her head violently, spinning as something wet sparkles on her cheek.

"Ian, I know, I understand." She answer quickly, a well hidden shake just barely legible within her voice. The man with the gun suddenly appears, expression wary and curious. I shrink back slightly.

"I heard someone yell." He explains, looking back and forth. "Everything all right here?" As his eyes stretch over me I feel the blame etched in his gaze.

"Yes." Wanda moves past him, pace unnecisarily fast. "I'm done, thank you."

"Course." But I'm sure she doesn't hear, the sound of her feet hitting the pavement picking up once her body rounds the corner. Her breath eachos back to us for a few moments before silence stretches around me and the tall man before me. "Care to tell me what happened?" His eyes turn to me, one eye brow raised.

_He kissed my girlfriend. _Ian says bitterly. _Go ahead. Tell him how you're hurting the only Soul he's ever cared for. _

"Nothing." I answer. "I assume my body upsets her." The man, Jeb, nods.

"Alright then, Shadow." He steps out again, wrinkled face showing a small smile. "Why don't you get some rest, we can talk later. All these emotions must be stressful, I remember how it was for Wanda."

"Thank you." I say softly as he moves out of view.

_How could you lie to him like that? _Ian hisses. _While he's being so kind. _

_I am not lying. _I say heatedly, instantly defending myself. _It is this body that upsets her, how was I to know my comment would illicit such a strong reaction? _

_Because you feel human emotions now! _Ian cries.

_That is the problem. _I say softly. Ian's mind instantly turns cold.

_You shouldn't have kissed her and you definitely should not have said you loved her. It's not _you _that loves her, it's _me. _And it's _me _that _she _loves. _Ian's voice is uncaring, hateful. _Don't confuse them again. _

For a moment, we don't speak. What can be said? But I know then, as the guilt twists in my gut, that I am growing an attatchment to the mind bound to mine and that the girl he loves is much like the Soul I once knew.

_Maybe I am not confused. _I say softly. _Maybe she is enough like Lux that I am...falling in love with her. _The term is new to me as my mind embraces the thought and suddenly, Ian's coldness vanishes. A deep, heart wrenching sadness is left behind as he understands that maybe, just maybe I'm right.

_And you are the one controlling our body. _That single statement sends both of us in to silence, neither one know what the future holds. But there is one thing we both know and agree upon, something neither of us has to voice after watching Wanda flee.

Someone is going to be hurt in the end.

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**Thanks again for all the reviews, ya'll have no idea how much it means to me (:**

_Reviews for Ch. 10:_

barbiegirl2435: Glad you liked the last one, hopefully this chapter made you like it even more ;)

Love4you: Thanks so much, I worked really hard on the other one (: And the pen name is very cute too ^^)

speedingdemonreader: Don't worry, I totally didn't see your advice as pushy, obviously haha. Thanks so much for offering up advice, I always love people telling me new ways and ideas to improve my writing. And this new POV idea definitely improved this story I believe (:

Lucy817: Thank you, I'm glad to know you do (:

xXblaahhXx: Thanks so much for the excitement, it was really invigorating haha, I hope I didn't take too long to update (:

talkygirl: He's not back yet, but I hoped this chapter helped a bit with missing him ;)

Cullendaughter45: Haha definitely makes me want to write faster, scary guns ;) Hope you liked ^^)


	12. Breakdowns

**Well, we're back to the traditional POV of the sweet and pregnant Wanda (:**

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When I wake up, there's a bitter taste in my mouth and my body feels heavy. I blink wearily, my heart beat pounding through my body as thought I'm weighted down by thousands of pounds. It's dark, like always, and for a moment I flop my hand bout weakly.

I'm greeted by cold bed.

"Morning, well, good afternoon." I look over, trying to see. A light flickers to life and I close my eyes tightly, the room swimming. Memories slam violently in to me and I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter. My fists clench at my sides and I draw in a sharp breath. "Wanda?"

"I'm fine." I whisper, breathing slowly before opening my eyes. "What time Is it?"

"Three." Kyle answers and I look sharply up at him.

"What? I slept till three?" I scramble up, searching for clothes. I've missed my chores, everything.

"You've been asleep for two days, Wanda." I freeze, looking over at Kyle. My body is swaying, feet twisting to keep balance as fight to counter weight my bloated belly. "You would have over slept till three _yesterday."_

"Oh." I sink back on to the bed. "I guess that's why I feel groggy." Kyle laughs.

"Guess so. You hungry yet?" I wait a moment, taking in my surroundings.

"A little."

"Good, I brought you a new shirt since, well," He snickers, smiling down at my shirt that is stretched to its max yet barely covers half my stomach.

"Oh, shush." I smile softly at him as he steps out, giving me a moment. I pull the huge shirt on over my head, discarding my own. It's still a bit big, but it fits me better then any of my clothes do. I rest my hands on the very obvious bump protruding from my body and a drop of water splashes across my pale skin. I squeeze my eyes closed, biting my lip.

I don't know what to do, I don't even know who I am anymore. I may not have had a home planet before, but I was blissfully unaware of my unhappiness. Then I came here and found Ian. I became one of them then, I became part of him. But now, I don't know who I am. I don't even know _what _I am. Before Shadow, I was beginning to think I was a human, I had almost forgotten I was a soul. I guess that's why it's so hard to just cut him out. He's been altered already, changed. We can't send him back, he will never be the same now.

I can't force him to do that.

But I can't lose Ian forever.

"Why can't this be easier?" I scream, shoving the small dresser and sending objects toppling over.

"Wanda?" Kyle is moving back in instantly, sweeping forward to hold me. I feel the tears pooling over. I just want happiness again, I want to go back to that night and keep us from going in to that building, from following that puppy.

I just want it to be easy again.

"Wanda, please, look at me!" But I can't, I can already feel my mind shying away as my body curls in to its self. "Wanda!"

"I'm sorry." I whisper, distantly feeling guilty for worrying him. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok." He sighs, folding me in to a tight hug. "Let's get you food, alright?" I nod in to his shoulder. Kyle lifts me in to his arms easily, carrying me out of the room and down the hall. My belly is the biggest part of my body, a bulge folded in to Kyle's powerful arms.

I stare at the fingers tenderely curled around my body to keep me from falling and close my eyes tightly. I can remember those very hands wrapping around my throat, fighting to take the last bit of air from my desperate lungs. How dramatically we've changed, how much closer we've grown. But with this wonderful thought, comes the darkness that always manages to leak in these days.

I had to lose Ian to gain his brother.

The thought nearly cripples me again, but I push back the panic attack. I'm growing stronger and I have to hold on, it will be ok. It will be ok. I chant again and again, humming myself in to a docile state as Kyle sets me on a bench in the mess hall.

"Anything you're craving?" Kyle asks. I shake my head. I hate how I worry him, but I'm too drained to think up a food. The recent panic has hollowed me out. I feel heavy from the sleep and empty due to the emotional drain I forced myself through when Ian and Shadow kissed me.

"Wanda?" Jamie is standing before me now, face worried. He must have said my name a few times.

"Yes?" I answer.

"Can I sit with you?" I nod and he plops down, smiling lopsidedly. I smile softly back at him, but my mind is already drifting. I'm now referring as them to Ian and Shadow, as _them_! How can I expect myself to easily choose when I now associate them as one? "They have cornbread." Jamie notes.

"I like cornbread." I muse, lifting my eyes to smile at him. It's weak, but it's a smile none the less.

"I know." Jamie grins and hands me a piece.

"No, Kyle is getting me food." I answer, pushing his towards him. "You go ahead and eat up, you need the energy."

"Wanderer!" Shadow is standing at one of the entrances, beautiful face worried yet excited. Muscled body moved towards me, Jeb hot on his heels.

"Wow there kid, slow down." Jeb grumbles, attempting to grab Shadow's shirt. But he's already reached me and the damage is done as I feel something inside of me shrivel up. I don't understand how during the kiss I was so cool, so calm, while now it's crushing me. Maybe human hormones are a powerful force, they seem to be altering my own emotions.

"It's ok, Jeb." I clear my throat for my voice comes out scratchy and soft. "Hello Shadow."

"I was worried about you, you didn't come to visit. I thought maybe..." He trails off and we both know the ending. _I thought maybe the kiss changed something._

"No, I just needed rest." I answer clearly, not meeting his eyes. "You seem good."

"I am, Jeb said I can start helping with chores soon." Shadow beams. I feel a hint of anger grow.

"Where is Burns?" I say, not ready to full on speak to Shadow yet.

"He left yesterday evening, he came in to see you, but you wouldn't wake up." Jamie answers instantly.

"What?" I look up sharply. "How could he leave?"

"He's just getting a few supplies, it's ok, Wanda." Jamie grabs my hand gently, smiling reassuringly.

"What's going on here?" Kyle sets my food in front of me, crossing his arms as he blocks Shadow's view of me. "I don't want you upsetting her, you've already done enough." Kyle's voice is sharp, cold. The room has fallen silent.

"Kyle, please." I touch his arm. Shadow's reaction is instant, a sudden burst that catches my breath inside my chest. His hand hits Kyle's chest, pushing him back.

"She's _mine." _Ian's voice growls forward, eyes flashing brilliantly. I gaze at him, seeing my beloved for a moment before Shadow's mind regains control and sends shock skittering across that furious expression. "I-I'm sorry, I don't...I don't know what that was." The silence grows even more void of noise as Shadow's voice echoes across the stone.

"And he's mine." The words leave my lips before I can think. Kyle's growl cuts me from my thoughts and I see him moving forward. I throw my body between them. "It was Ian, Kyle! It was Ian!" I cry, holding my hands out. I don't notice the tears till Kyle's hand catches my face. "It was Ian, ok?"

"Alright, of course." Kyle murmurs, eyes filled with worry.

"Ok. It was him." I say, nodding. I just can't seem to control my emotions as the pain rears its ugly head again. It's then I know, I feel it coming. The break finally came and I feel something inside me snap.

It's like that day at the funeral.

It's a wave of emotions so powerful they can not be fought, can not be explained or even understood. They can only be felt, felt on such a deep level that the pain seems to sear your insides and leave you with a scare no mortal could ever heal.

And now it splits me open.

The tears come in waves, a tremor tearing violently through my body. I can't breath, my gasps labored and fast. Kyle shakes me once, trying to help. His expression is horror and panic filled, so confused by this sudden change.

Even I don't understand it, this deep pain tearing my heart to ribbons.

Again.

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**These reviews are like a rainbow after a storm, beautiful and so diverse (:**

_Reviews for Ch. 11:_

barbiegirl2435: You have no idea how much I agree with you ;) After I read this review I spent like two hours trying to find as much as I could about the Host movie lol. I'm sooo excited. I'm looking forward to seeing how they work the mind thing out on the big screen and what they have the Souls look like when they're in their gooey state, it's quite thrilling to image haha.

Love4you: More like love the penname ;) Me too! I think it's so creative that Stephanie Myer had these types of aliens. I always wonder what people are thinking and this way they don't just converse thoughts but actually share a mind. I think it was the fact that they share a body that took it to the next step for me though. It's so phenomenal what she's created and I'm just glad I'm able to write it where people like it (:

speedingdemonreader: Well, I'm glad you liked it (: To be honest, I loved writing it. It was interesting to try and imagine how Shadow and Ian would be feeling. I thank you so much for suggesting a new POV, I love the way it turned out. And thanks for the review on it too ;)

poseidon262: I love saying super duper! :D Annnywaays lol, thanks for the review (: I like reading them too, I like writing them just as much. They confuse me sometimes too though, I have to look back to double check my writing occasionally lol. I'm glad you're enjoying though and I hope you keep reading.

talkygirl: It's hard to explain Shadow's feelings, but lemme try. Basically, he feels possessive of Ian's body, like it's his right. Shadow's thoughts are along the line of someone coming to your house and saying, "It's wrong you live here. I was convicted, but this house was my home forever and it's mine. You need to leave now cause the whole neighborhood loves me and they don't know you." Then there's his love for Wanda. As a Soul he's attracted to her, he finds her to be more amazing then any other Soul he's met, but on top of that he has Ian's love for Wanda increasing his own. At this point he doesn't want to just be friends with Wanda, he wants her to be his. He's thinking that he can somehow replace Ian. He's torn between love, the right thing to do, and a natural possessiveness of what he believes is 'his'.

Cullendaughter45: Hahaha I think the big guy is really missing it (: Such a dedicated Ian fan, but I love him too. Shadow's status is undetermined at the moment, I can't quite decide how I want his story to end. At this point, he kind of writes himself when I sit down and type up a chapter lol

DisneyVampire: Honestly, just...wow. That review was so amazing, I'm glad you like my story that much (: I always loved it when stories started in the middle of the story, not the beginning. It made me feel like it was more realistic while I read, not just a story with a middle beginning and end. Like it was actually a look in to someone's life, entering at a random point and slowly explaining as the story drew on. So, because of that I wanted to start this story like that because I was excited to write about the Host, one of my favorite books. I'm just glad I managed to hook you and I hope I don't dissapoint, keeping you as addicted as you already are ;)

Thanks guys for the reviews, again, they mean the world to me :')


	13. Gone

Ian POV

"Ok. It was him." Wanda nods and the motions seems to spill through her body in waves. Tremors shake her limbs like a leaves. The shaking controls her, her frail body no match. I fight to seize control of my mind, my body, because I know she needs me right now, I see her balancing on the edge of something big, so close to falling..

And it is then that she collapsed over the edge.

Her sobs tear violently from her chest, her body swaying forward in pain. Kyle reaches to catch her, and again, I am grateful for my brother's change of heart. Though it is late, it is timely enough to keep her sane. I can't imagine what would have happened if she didn't have that support, what she might've become. But I can't imagine it getting much worse. Her pain silences the hall, her mind lost to us. I feel guilty for before, how I kissed Wanda when she was bound in Melanie's body. You truly are one. I see now how handling that was hard, challenging. I can only hope that it wasn't too much for her.

_Does this help you understand my predicament? _Shadow's voice is an unwelcome disruption.

_No. It doesn't. _I snap angrily. _Do you see her? The pain she's in? That's for a lost loved one, for _me. 

_She can love me._

"I'm sorry." Wanda's cries and sobs are suddenly forming words and our eyes shoot to her as Kyle lifts her in to his arms. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have asked you to follow that puppy. I'm so sorry." Her words fall again in to nothing, a jumble of creams and sobs. Even Shadow is decent enough to feel sad.

_I do not wish this for her._

_And she doesn't wish you for her._

_This is not the time, Ian. I want to assure her health._

_Right now, the only thing she needs, is me. Unless you're willing to give her that, nothing will heal her. _With that, Shadow falls silent, and I know that this battle has been lost. I watch Kyle carry away my beloved and I am frozen in place, unable to even blink in calling. No, that is all Shadow's ability now. It makes me wonder if he'd really be willing to shred my brain if it came down to it.

_Yes. I would. For Wanda. _

_Can't leave me alone for even a minute, can you?_

_Not when it is my mind._

_Let's just settle this now, buddy, this mind and this body are not––_

_I am the one who controls them, so they belong to me. _At that, I fall silent. Because he's right. He controls everything, including our fate. So, when he turns to follow Wanda, I don't protest. When we reach me and Kyle's old room, Jeb, Jamie, and Melanie are waiting outside. Melanie is chewing at her nails and Jamie is pacing, eyes skipping unseeingly around the hallway. Shadow pauses beneath their penetrating glare.

"I shall wait out here with you three." He says slowly.

_Good idea. _I mutter. _Might want to take a step back while you're at it. _Surprisingly, he obeys and retreats just enough to allow them space. From this vantage point, we catch a flash of Wanda's eyes. Her cries surround us.

"I would give it up!" Her screams once again form barely understood words. "Oh, please.." But her begging is once again lost as sudden, violent gulps for air wrack her body. Our muscles clench and Shadow closes our eyes.

_I can not watch this. _He breaths.

_But I need to. _I answer. _I can't leave her._

_It is not you, but me that she will be seeing. _Shadow reminds me. It is in that moment that my dislike of him grows to a spark of hatred.

_But it's me she'll be looking for. _Our eyes slide open and I meet Wanda's gaze, holding on to her with all I have left.. my will. It's hours before Wanda is finally calm. Her face is bright red, her eyes swollen nearly shut, and her breathing heavy, rough and garbled. Still, her head remains tilted towards me, eyes blurrily focused on me. I feel my heart break a little more, her pain more unbearable to face then mine could ever be. I know I made the right choice throwing her in that room. She deserves to be alright. Losing my self was only a small cost to saving her life. Who knows what they would have done to a traitor of their own kind? I know they're not violent, Wanda has taught me as much, but I don't think they'd be opposed to shipping her off to some foreign, miserable planet as punishment.

_Our kind are not as vengeful and angry as yours. _Shadow notes briskly.

_Can you just leave me alone? _ I scream. He lifts our hand to hold his head.

_Your anger is painful. I would appreciate it if you would stop screaming._

_And I would appreciate you leaving. _

_I just want us to get along, Ian. I care for her to._

_I want my life, my body, and Wanda back. How does it feel to want, you disgusting parasite?_

_You won't call her that. You told her she wasn't, that she was normal. _

_She is. _Shadow's confusion sweeps through me. _But you are just a monster. That's all you'll ever be. You are not human and no matter how hard you try, you never will b––_

_SHUT UP! _Shadow sends a violent push and I feel myself falling back to the depths of my mind, then further. The world around us is fading.. No, the world around me. Shadow is seated firmly in place as he flings me from our mind, our body. I try to hold, but it's too strong.

"Ian!" Wanda's cry sends pain through my heart and moments later, the world is gone. It's different from going unconscious, everything is just vanishing. Until.. there is nothing.


	14. Surprise Visitor

Shadow's POV

_Ian? _I search for the familiar venom of his thoughts, but it's gone. Surprisingly, I feel no guilt. I'm actually grateful that he's gone. He just can't seem to understand that he's lost it all. His body is not his. I look up sharply as the door that is between me and Wanda opens. The girl starts, jumping to her feet. I follow suit, assuming it is best to stand when they come out, considering the other girl is. The tall, burley one is first out of the room. Close behind is Wanda.

"Oh, honey." The girl across from me pulls Wanda close. "I always heard pregnancy was bad, but I never pictured this much emotion."

"Maybe it's because of what she's lost." The burley one shoots me a dark glare. I think his name is Kyle, that's what Ian used to say anyways.

"Are you well Wanda?" She pulls back from the girl, wide eyes slowly focusing on me. She nods a couple times.

"I feel like all I've done is break down." She turns away. "I should be stronger then this."

"You've had a lot to deal with." The girl rubs Wanda's back. "We understand, honey."

"What time is it?"

"Two." Kyle's menacing gaze softens and swings to Wanda. "You slept in again."

"Oh no, don't you all have work." Wanda's horrified expression brings them both a step closer.

"Jeb said we could take a break today, everyone is out on a mission." I say. Wanda's eyebrows wrinkle.

"Jamie?" The girl nods. "Jared too?"

"They left late last night, just to pick up some medicine. They should be back pretty soon." The girl smiles and Wanda relaxes.

"How are they going to do it? They don't have me. Did Burns go?" Kyle is starting to lead Wanda down the hall, and me and the other girl follow. "Mel?" So that's her name.

"They had a Soul with them. Her name was Sunny."

"They brought Jody?" Kyle looks right over at me. I nod, not understanding the issue. "They didn't tell me that." Kyle mutters.

"I'm sure it will be fine." Wanda rubs his arm reassuringly.

"Yeah. You're right." From there, it's silent. It feels odd, not having Ian's voice here. As much as he frustrates me, I'm starting to miss him. I wonder how long he'll be gone, if he'll ever be back. There's hushed conversation in the room, and after about an hour of quiet eating, a commotion bursts forth.

"That sounds far too familiar.." Wanda mumbles before her and Kyle are heading off down the hallway. After a moment, I run after them. When I reach the pure white room, there's a small crowd being ushered out. I slip in behind Wanda and she makes space for me. I can see the crate of supplies, as well as one of the tanks that hold my kind, and sitting on the bed is a girl. I can't tell her age, I still have trouble when concerning humans, but she looks young. Her skin is pale and she has long, dark hair. It's brown, on the verge of black, and unbelievably curly. Her eyes are bright blue, a pale, icy color. She's lovely. Well, aside from the nervous fidget that permetes her body.

"Please, I just want to go home." She begs, desperate.

"What's going on?" Wanda asks, holding her stomach absently.

"There was a Seeker outside." Jeb has his gun pointed at the Soul. "And so was she." Kyle's expression darkens even further.

"So why is she still here?"

"Because we don't just go killing Souls. Last time you tried that, you ended up regretting it." Jeb sighs heavily. "Now, we're gonna need to work out something. Can you tell us why there was a Seeker following you?"

"I.. I.. Sh.. Sh.. I did.. Didn't.." She's shaking so hard she can barely speak. Jeb sighs and rubs his eyes.

"Let me try." Wanda hobbles forward and smiles softly at the girl. "I'm a Soul, just like you. Can you tell me what happened?"

"You.. You.. You chose.. ch.. chose.. hu.. hum.. humans?" She manages.

"Well.." Wanda looks to Jeb for help, but he only shrugs.

"I just came here, like you." I step forward and stand in front of her. Her eyes meet mine and cling like a lifeline. "They're nice. They're not like what we heard. Humans aren't all savages, but you have to tell me the truth. I can't help you otherwise. Did you bring the Seeker?"

"Yes.." She looks down, obviously uncomfortable. "There was another Soul who's host had memories of this place. He was scared to tell anyone, so I was willing to do it for him. They offered me help finding someone as long as I found this place. They brought me in before the Seeker saw." During this, her voice is so low, so low even I can barely hear.

"Who were you looking for?" I ask, curious.

"His name was Shadow. I have not seen him for many planets." She seems to suddenly realize the humans and her shaking starts up again. But we are all frozen. I stare wide eyed at the girl, while the others stare wide eyed at me.

"What is your name?" I ask.

"I am Light That Shines Through The Ice." She absently plays with her hair.

"Lux?" I whisper, eyes wide. Her head shoots up.

"Shadow?" The hope is so strong, I have to catch myself against a table. I feel like I can't breath, my throat is constricted, my lungs frozen. "I've looked so much for you. I have gone to three planets, all the places we said we'd visit. I have had so many hosts here, searching for you, needing to find you." She smiles, leaping from the table. But I can't let myself get close to her because I know the truth. As soon as she sleeps, they will remove her. Because Wanda shared our secret, they have that ability. Then, once she has been taken from this body, they will send her to a new planet and once again I will have lost her. Who knows if I'll ever find her this time. It's all so overwhelming.. I feel my human emotions swelling inside me.

"You two know each other?" Wanda asks. I nod once, not meeting Lux's eyes.

"She is my significant other." I whisper.

"We were lost to each other years ago. I was forced to flee the planet after suffering a terrible injury and then being the victim of a mix of." Lux's voice is stronger now. "I heard that you looked for me, Shadow. That you tried to follow me."

"I did. Planet after planet. Host after host. No one knew where you went, or even why you left. You were just gone. It's been years, Lux. So long." I finally look at her and the pain their sends physical aches through my body. Slowly, I turn my eyes to Wanda. It only takes a few seconds for me to understand that my assumption was right. Lux will not make it in this body on this planet. As of now, she is done for.

"But I've found you, Shadow." Lux smiles brilliantly. Her body suits her, it looks so much like I would have pictured her to look as a human. This host fits her personality.

"Yes. We have found each other." I murmured.

_But now, we will lose each other again. _


	15. Late Night Memories

Shadow's POV:

"I think we need to let the lady rest." Jeb looks over to Doc. "It alright if she spend the night in here?"

"Of course." Doc nods a few times.

"You can trust him." I whisper as Lux's eyes flicker to me. Her body relaxes slightly.

"If you do, then I know I can." I can't help it anymore. I move forward, pulling her in to my arms, holding as tightly as I dare. She wraps her frail arms around me, holding my body tightly against hers. Her breath washes over my neck. "I have missed you so much." I nod, face buried in her hair.

"I've missed you too. More then you know." I pull back and hold her eyes for a moment. No matter what form we take, no matter what host we inhabit.. They almost always have eyes. And when they do, I can see her. I will always know her by her eyes.

"Your eyes.." She smiles softly. "I always loved your eyes."

"They're the window to the Soul." We both laugh softly. We used to say that to each other, she must have heard the human phrase too. They had no idea how true their phrase was. "I'm scared." Lux whispers, voice too low for the others to hear.

"I will protect you." I know in that moment, that I must. I can not let her lose this just when she is comfortable. I must keep her safe. "I will always protect you."

"I know." Her eyes burn in to mine. "You always have. I'm sorry I left you."

"I understand, Lux. The doctors knew what was best."

"If only they'd known that you were the only thing to make me feel better." She smiles, finally looking down. "You should get some rest."

"I'll be back to visit you." I lean forward, kiss her forehead. I've seen the gesture as one of love, kindness. I hope Lux understands my meaning. Her smile makes me believe that she does. When I turn, Wanda, Kyle, the boy, and Melanie have left the room. I nod to Jeb and he adjusts his gun, pointing for me to leave the room. I nod and walk quickly out. Just a few feet from the door, the others stand in a huddle, talking in hushed voices.

"Shadow.." Wanda looks up, eyes pained.

"You can not send her away!" I hiss, not wanting to worry Lux. She can't know that she might have to leave. That we may be torn apart again. Even if there is a chance, I can not let her know. I meant it when I told her, I will protect her. I have too.

"She's in a person's body! We can't just let her block them out!" Kyle's anger is back, burning.

"Wanda, please." I turn to her, desperate. "I love her." Each human exchanges a glance. I know that emotion is very important here, it controls a lot of what they do.

"We might have trouble getting someone for her to take over." Wanda murmurs, looking up at Kyle occasionally. "We don't even know if there is someone left in there. It might be easy to just leave her." Kyle shrugs, crossing his large arms.

"Doesn't explain what we're doing for Ian." An even heavier silence falls, eyes lifting to me. I shrink away under their glares.

"Guys, back off." Wanda's words are harsh, but they calm me. She's defending me. I know, because of her being one of us, that she'll always defend me. Our kind protects each other. "We all just need to sleep on it. Tomorrow, we can talk to Lux, see if she hears anything from her host, and later we can work out Ian." Kyle goes to protest and Wanda holds up her hand. "I love him just as much as you, Kyle. But we can not make any rash decisions. If we do, we may end up regretting it later."

"Thank you." She smiles softly at me.

"Guys, go ahead." Wanda nods down the hallway. Kyle's hand brushes her shoulder.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, go on."

"I'm sorry." I whisper. They nod, slowly moving away.

"I understand." I look up sharply. Kyle is standing there, eyes averted, jaw clenched. "I get why you made your threat. I don't agree with you, I don't like you, but I understand."

"Thank you." He looks up for a split second as he nods.

"We'll figure something out. We did for Wanda." Then he's gone. I sigh heavily, rubbing my eyes. I finally have what I've waited for for years, and now she's at risk. That terrifies me.

"If she still feels her host, we're going to have to find her a new one." Wanda says. I nod.

"I'm beginning to understand that with you. What are you going to do about me?"

"We don't really know yet." She sighs. "You can't stay in this host forever."

"I understand." My smile is weak. "You love him."

"Is he talking?" I open my mouth to answer, but it falls closed. She covers her mouth, the horror so strong that I can't hold back the guilt. "You pushed him away and he hasn't come back, huh?" I shake my head. "I did that to Melanie once. I felt so bad."

"I have." I cross my arms. "I don't want him gone."

"Well, I meant what I said. Let's all get some sleep, rest up, and we'll talk tomorrow." She leans forward, hugging me tightly. "I won't let them take her away from you. I promise." It is that exact moment that I feel Ian's mind burst to life, once again bringing noise to my mind. With this sudden burst of energy, he hugs Wanda back tightly.

"He's back." I laugh as Wanda steps back.

"So I guessed." She's smiling now too, though there is an edge of sadness to her face.

_Miss me? _Ian chuckles. I smile wider.

_Yes, actually. I did. _

_Wait. Wow. _Ian is experiencing the recent memories, quickly catching up on what happened. _That girl.. She's _here_?_

_Just in the doctor room. _I can't help but sense the lack of hostility from Ian.

_Well, you're backing off my girl, I'll back off you. Speaking of, can you just tell her hey or something? Tell her not to worry. _

"Ian says not to worry." My eyes focus back on Wanda.

"Thank you." She smiled, looking down at her hands. "This is going to work."

_Sorry bout your Soul. From what I can see, she seems nice. I hope it works out. _Ian is quiet for a moment, we all are. Ian and I watching Wanda, her eyes watching the ground. _As for me, we can figure it out eventually. I see that you're not trying to take over or anything. You have Lux. So, I'm going to personally take it on to help you two. Once that's all managed, we can find you a new body. Or something. Got it, kid?_

_You realize that I am older then you, correct?_

_I was just nice. Seriously. Do not ruin the moment. _

_How do I ruin a moment?_

_We're bonding here! Stop making me dislike you!_

_Aren't we already bonded? We do share a body and, I am starting to believe, you have as much control of our mind as I do. _

_You don't get it._

_Obviously. _

_Hey, Shadow?_

_Yes? _

_You use sarcasm against other people. I just said _you _don't get it._

_I do not understand how you think. _

_What happened to sharing a mind, buddy?_

_Doesn't mean I don't think you are.. confusing. _

_Then so are you. _

_Can we just go back to you being nice?_

_Sorry, that boat has sailed. _

_I did not know there was a boat. _

_Just.. Metaphorical. _

_What is that?_

_It means I say something that isn't real to explain something else that is real. _

_How does something that does not exist explain a completely different situation? I mean, the second situation is _real, _so doesn't that defeat the point of using unreal?_

_It gives something to comp.. Nevermind. _

_I can see the thought, so it's pointless not to say it. _

_..I realize this, Shadow. _

_So, why say nevermind?_

"Is he back to being very vocal?" Wanda is watching us and an amused grin dances on her lips.

"Yes, actually. How could you tell?"

"You look thoughtful." Her smile grows. "What is he saying?"

_Shadow is blonde. _

"He says that I'm blonde, but my hair is black, so I don't really understand." I can hear Ian's laughter and grow even more confused.

"He's calling you stupid." Wanda pats my shoulder, giggling. "Sorry. I'm going to bed, you two.." Her eyes flicker back. "You two sleep for a couple hours, then you can go visit her, alright Shadow?" I nod. "Good. Goodnight guys."

"Night." I watch her go and Ian sighs.

_This sucks. _

_I'm sorry. _My shoulders stoop slightly, guilty.

_It's alright. _I smile because, sharing our mind, I can feel his forgiveness. He's still mad, but it's no longer directed at me. He's mad about having Wanda, but he doesn't blame me. I think he believes my kind, but at least he doesn't blame me specifically.

_Thank you. Does this mean that we're.. friends?_

_Yeah. I guess it does. _He paused. _You're not going to sleep are you?_

_Nope. _I turn on my heel and head back to the hospital.

_Wait, Jeb might not let you in. He'll ant you to sleep first._

_Then what do I do?_

_Just wait around the corner. Once he leaves, we can go in. Doc will understand that you just want to see her. _

_Thanks. _

_Yeah. _I slink around the corner and prepare to wait. After only a few minutes, Ian gets bored.

_So.._

_Shhhh. _I am staring intently down the hallway, not wanting to miss a sound. In response, Ian decides I need noise. So, to 'lighten to situation', he decides to sing. And so, for the next twenty or so minutes, I stand, silent, while Ian sings, quite loudly, the songs he knows. By the time Jeb walks out, I am ready to scream with relief. Ian starts to chuckle as I rock from foot to foot.

_Don't like showtunes?_

_If that is what you were singing, I stopped liking it quite some time ago._

_Well, isn't that interesting. So sorry. _I snort.

_Yeah. Sure. I feel the apology. _

_There ya go! Finally got sarcasm right?_

_I bet I did. _

_And.. you lost it. Nice try though. A for effort. _

_I thought effort began with an e..?_

_Hey, Shadow?_

_Yes, Ian?_

_Shut up and go talk to Doc._

_Well. _I mutter, shuffling forward, I peek in to Doc's room and he yawns.

"Forget something, Jeb?"

"No, it's just me." He looks up instantly.

"I thought you were going to sleep." He straightens up.

"Shadow?" Lux is sitting up on the bed now, rubbing her eyes. "What are you doing back so soon?

"Can I just talk to her?" I turn back to Doc, eyes pleading, and he nods slowly.

"Well, I'm going to get a cup of coffee. If you happen to be in here while I'm gone, well, that's just a coincidence."

"Thank you." He smiles as he heads for the door.

"I'll be back soon, Lux." He calls, already heading down the hallway.

"Bye, Doc!" I turn back and smile as her waving hand slides back to her lap.

"You two are friends now?"

"Yes. He's very kind." She offers me space on the bed.

_Well.. I'm just gonna check out now.. _Ian feels my gratitude and moments later, my mind is silent. Nothing but me.

"I really have missed you." She falls in to my arms and I hold her.

"I have missed you to. Really." I feel her lips pull in to a smile. Before, I wanted to keep a distance between us. I wanted to not get close to her.. Even though I already was. I just wanted her safe, but that wasn't a possibility. So I was protecting myself, facing the fact that she would have to leave. That I would have to give her up again, as well as facing the risk of never seeing her again. But after talking to Wanda.. I may have a chance with Lux. I still feel something for Wanda, a powerful love that seems to cut to my core and consume my thoughts, but I know it is not mine. I know that it is Ian's love for her. I don't know how to make the feelings go away, this logic doesn't help, but I do plan to fight them. I will resist. For Lux. I love her more then I have ever loved anything.

"Do you remember the bear planet?" She whispers. "When you saved my life?"

"Yes." I brush Lux's hair away as she leans back.

"I have held on to that moment every day since I lost you."

"Well, know you have more then a memory." Her eyes tear up and she presses herself close. I fall back on the bed, and Lux curls up against my chest, soft voice weaving to life the memories of our past. I know, whether Wanda's promise holds or not, I will protect Lux.

By keeping her here.

By fighting Ian's love for Wanda.

By fighting, simply, for the love Lux and I share.

* * *

**This one is a little longer then usual, but I wanted to really introduce Lux with a bang. So, yes, Shadow still loves Wanda. Even though he understands it is Ian's emotions, he can't help but feel them, just like Wanda couldn't help loving Jared, even though she knew it wasn't her feelings. And, more importantly, he loves Lux. So, hope you liked (:**

**Reviews are food for the soul..**


	16. In a Pickle

She stopped at the door to her room, Ian's room, and her fingers shook slightly as they pressed against the large wooden door. With a heavy sigh, she pressed her forehead against the door. With her eyes closed and the hall silent and empty, she could almost picture him waiting inside for her. She could see his lips as they curled in to a grin, his eyes meeting hers with a knee-weakening grin. She would knock and he would pry the heavy door back. Then, he would reach forward, broad hands engulfing her fragile waist as he pulled her to his chest and dragged the door behind them. He would kiss her then, a soft, tender touch that would make her feel like the most beautiful and lucky girl in the world. If she concentrated, she could even feel his hands, his fingers stroking her skin over the fabric of her shirt as he lead her deeper in to the room and settled her down on the bed beside him. His breath would wash over the back of his neck and she would laugh, feeling his skin tense as his lips pulled in to a smile. Goosebumps rose on her skin where she swore his breath was enticing her nerves in to a flaming flurry.

"Wanda?"

She could almost imagine.

"Hi, Kyle." Wanda opened her eyes slowly and absently blinked away a stray tear. She wasn't crying anymore. Even if their lives were crazy, Ian was here. He was alive and Shadow was willing to help her get him back. She had to be strong. For Ian.

"Trying to learn how to sleep standing up?" He raised one eyebrow and Wanda frowned.

"That doesn't seem like it would work well." She said slowly, trying to imagine standing all night. It seemed highly unpleasant.

"It was a joke, Wanda." Kyle had a half smile.

"What are you doing out here?" Wanda asked.

"I couldn't sleep." He stepped past her and she watched, silent, as he pulled the door back. He didn't have to ask, he knew she wasn't strong enough to manage it on her own.

"Ah." Wanda stepped past him, looking up. "I.." His smile grew sad and he nodded.

"I know."

"It'll be ok, Kyle." Wanda said softly, searching his features. He nodded a couple times.

"Night, Wanda." He turned his back and she did the same.

"Goodnight, Kyle." She said softly as she pressed her self in to the comforting darkness of her room. She couldn't help the nagging feeling that Kyle believed her words about as much as she did, which was very, very little.

When she settled back against the familiar bed, and a worn smell of Ian washed over her, she thought she would fall asleep instantly. She could feel her muscles melting in to the bed as her joints let out small sighs of relief. She grabbed a pillow and set it next to her before rolling to her side. A blissful breath escaped her lips as her stomach finally received a break. Human reproduction was turning to be just as interesting as Soul reproduction. Only, she would get far less children and it would take much longer.

"I will figure this out." Wanda promised to the silence she knew would never answer. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she could make out cracks along the stone ceiling and she absently traced them with her eyes. She couldn't take her mind off of Ian and Shadow. She didn't know how to fix this, especially with Lux. As she fought to formulate an idea, exhaustion swept through her and pulled her in to unconsciousness.

When she woke up, she didn't feel groggy, it felt earlier than usual. She rocked a couple times before managing to roll off of the bed. The door had been closed and she couldn't help but smile. Kyle must've walked by again before he finally went to bed. She changed quickly and ran her fingers through her hair, the soft tendrils tickling her skin. It took her only a few minutes to realize that she'd be trapped, the door was too heavy, even when she was wide awake. She was debating whether or not to scream as she settled, slowly, back on to the edge of the bed. There was something fluttering at the back of her mind, clinging to the tip of her tongue as Melanie would say. It was a thought that just barely escaped her. She could feel it clouding her thoughts, but they washed away when a knock pounded through the heavy wood. She looked up gratefully as she struggled to rise to her feet.

"I'm up!" She called. There was a grating sound as Melanie's face appeared around the edge. She flashed a grin and walked forward quickly, grasping Wanda's arm and hoisting her to her feet.

"I don't like being weak." Wanda whispered, almost to herself.

"I know." Melanie patted her shoulder. "I'm surprised your up so early."

"I am as well." Wanda smiled at her as they made their way out of the room and down the hallway. "I slept well, I assume."

"Did you work up an appetite?" Wanda patted her stomach before nodding.

"I am hungry, actually." She smiled and Wanda led her in to the large dining hall. The boisterous noise comforted Wanda, enveloping her in warmth as she settled back in to the familiar pattern. This was the first time since Ian's disappearance that she actually felt.. normal.

"I was just gonna go find you." Kyle looked up from a his bowl of what looked like brown mush and flashed a grin.

"Beat you to it, O'Shea." Melanie laughed, shoving his head as she walked past him.

"Watch it!" Kyle called, but his smile remained across his features and his eyes glowed.

"You seem better." Wanda noted, sitting beside him when she saw Melanie grab two bowls. Kyle nodded and bumped her shoulder lightly.

"I just needed some time to clear my head." He took another bite of his food and Wanda smiled happily as Melanie sat in front of them.

"I really hope they bring back eggs." Melanie said wistfully, stirring her bowl with a hint of disdain.

"Food is food," Began Kyle. "But some eggs would be nice."

"I like this." Wanda took a small bite and smiled.

"You like everything." Melanie and Kyle grumbled in unison. Wanda hid her smile as she scarfed down her food.

"Looks like someone got her appetite back." Kyle noted, looking over at her.

"That's good." Melanie's eyes glowed and, if Wanda wasn't mistaken, they were filled with the emotion pride.

"Everyone eats, why is it good that I do?" Wanda asked.

"Cause you haven't eaten in awhile." Melanie smiled and took another large bite before pushing her bowl towards Wanda. "You can have mine."

"I can't.." Wanda went to push it back, but shrank under Melanie's glare and quickly devoured the rest of the bowl. She licked her lips as Melanie grabbed all three dishes and rose to her feet, bringing them back to the service counter.

"I am going to see Shadow." Wanda said decisively. She looked over at Kyle and curiously observed his reaction.

"I've got soap duty." The words were casual, but when his eyes met hers, she saw the trust in his gaze. She couldn't help the warmth that flooded her chest.

"Kyle looks nice, what's going on?" Melanie stared at them with her arms crossed, eyes flickering back and forth.

"He's making soap." Wanda stood and stretched, hands braced on her lower back, before shuffling away. "I'll see you two soon!" She called. She heard them muttering behind her, but ignored it, grateful that they were finally giving her a semblance of space. She walked through the familiar halls, offering hellos and smiles to those she passed. She still remembered when she'd been terrified to even meet their hateful gazes as she stuck close to Jeb's side. Now.. she felt at home here.

"Hello, Doc." Wanda smiled as she stepped in to the small room and frowned. She was ready to leave, when her eyes landed on Ian.

"Hi, Wanda." He smiled and she walked forward, moving to sit beside him.

"Where's Lux and Doc?" She asked, trying to sound calm. Shadow smiled.

"Doc took her to the bathing room. He wanted to stand guard." Shadow shrugged and Wanda nodded, staring at the ground. They were silent for a few minutes, until he cleared his throats. "I was excited when I heard you had come here." He said softly.

"And where did you come from?" Wanda looked over at him and a warmth touched his features.

"The Flower Planet." He answered, eyes meeting hers. "My full name is Shadows Beneath the Leaves."

"Why didn't you say that in the beginning?" Her voice wasn't accusing, merely curious. He seemed happier than she had seen him the entire time he had been here. He looked comfortable. She had a feeling it was due to the presence of his mate.

"Ian told me it was bad." Shadow smiled weakly. "He's very persuasive."

"Yes." Wanda nodded, smiling. "He is, isn't he?"

"You've been to that planet?" She nodded.

"Yes. It was beautiful." She enjoyed the excitement she saw in him and refused to let that pass away. "What were you?"

"A Blue Flower." He looked away. "Lux was a Night Flower."

"I never saw a Blue Flower." Wanda said softly. "They are rare."

"So I've been told." Shadow looked over at her and she saw the furrow of his brow, a sign that Ian was talking. "Ian says hello." He frowned slightly. "And––"

"It was wonderful." Footsteps rounded the corner.

"Quite interesting." Doc looked up and smiled, ushering Lux forward. She moved to a second cot and pushed back her wet hair, the ends already curling. "Goodmorning, Wanda."

"Morning, Doc." Wanda slid from the cot and Doc waved a hand.

"No, no, no, don't get up. Here." He pushed his chair towards her and she smiled at him as she sat down. "Jeb is on his way over."

"I would like to see him." Wanda settled back against the chair and her eyes flickered to Lux. Poor girl. She'd traveled alone in to the desert to find someone she loved and now she was trapped among people she didn't know, and probably didn't trust. Just like Wanda had been. It must have terrified her with the Seeker following.

"Mornin', ya'll!" Jeb appeared with his usual boisterous energy. "I see you found our bathrooms. Must say, they're the highlight." He beamed proudly and Wanda heard Lux giggle, a soft, sweet sound. "Can't say I'm quite surprised to find you here, Wanda." He raised one eyebrow and she looked past him.

"I just wanted to make sure Lux was adjusting. It'll be another shock once everyone else gets back. They won't be happy with.." Wanda trailed off as the thought suddenly struck her with startling clarity. Her thought from this morning consumed her as her eyes widened.

"Wanda?" Jeb stepped towards her, but she held out a hand.

"I'm fine." She assured as she rose to her feet and waddled past.

"I'm suddenly feeling like a walk." Jeb called behind her. She heard murmured farewells before her heavy footsteps sounded beside her. Wanda stopped and looked up at him, fear clutching at her heart. "Now, I don't like that look." Jeb rumbled, the sound coming from deep within his chest.

"You said a Seeker was out there when you found Lux, right?" Wanda met his gaze as he nodded.

"They won't make it in here, you know that. They'll get tired and wander off, go back to the city. No one finds here." Jeb crossed his arms, frowning.

"But Jared and everyone else can." Wanda searched his gaze, but his frown remained.

"So––" Jeb's eyes suddenly widened.

"They don't know about the Seeker. Everyone will come back and the Seeker can just follow." Wanda whispered, the fear finally leaking in to her words.

"Well." Jeb's eyes darkened. "Ain't we in a pickle?"


End file.
